the frahm family

the countdown has begun....

2011-12-02T15:52:00.000-08:00

We have a double the countdown this year. 21 more days until Brian gets here and 23 more days until Christmas, the girls decided to make construction paper chains to countdown the days. Another plus was it was a great way for Lauren to practice her numbers. Lauren made Brian's countdown and Hannalee made the Christmas countdown. Although we have two advent calenders already :-), this was a fun craft to do with them, and it will be exciting to see the chains go down in size each day.

How Emptiness Sings

2011-11-29T21:54:00.000-08:00

There is such beauty in the words of this song. My heart can get heavy sometimes. So much going on, even in my own little bubble. But oh, the beautiful grace of God. Sometimes, even in the grief, even in the sorrow, we see God at his best. A loving, caring comforter, who softens our hard hearts. If you haven't heard of Christa Wells, go and listen to her! She is amazing. This is off her newest cd...

Brother, he’s suffered like a tree taken down
Wept as he witnessed his dreams carved out
And how can a man just keep walking around
With his heart full of holes

But ooh,
His bow is on the strings
And the tune resonates in the open space
To show us how emptiness sings:

Glory to God, Glory to God!
In fullness of wisdom,
He writes my story into his song,
My life for the glory of God.
Hmm, hmmm

Sister carries her loneliness
In a hidden hollow inside her chest
And sometimes all that she wants is an end
To the long, long night

But ooh,
Her bow is on the strings,
And the tune resonates in the open space
To show us how emptiness sings:

Glory to God, Glory to God!
In fullness of wisdom,
He writes my story into his song,
My life for the glory of God.
Hmm, hmmm

I haven’t been asked yet to walk the hard roads
Still there’s a sense of deep loss in my soul
In the middle of a party, I’ll just want to go
Home.

But ooh,
My bow is on the strings,
I’m beginning to learn where to find the words
To the song that emptiness sings
Ooh, bow is on the strings:

Glory to God! Glory to God!
This is how emptiness sings, oh,
This is how emptiness sings
Hmmm, hmmm

Much to be thankful for....

2011-11-27T18:30:00.001-08:00

I have a lot to be thankful for.

It is hard to believe...

2011-11-05T18:49:00.001-07:00

That my baby is 7.

Costumes

2011-10-28T20:23:00.001-07:00

Katelyn and Daddy

2011-10-22T09:13:00.000-07:00

My week:

2011-10-21T20:29:00.001-07:00

Photo booth is awesome at capturing the finer moments in life...

My week was a lot like this

So you want to know my story?

2011-10-18T23:17:00.001-07:00

Sometimes in the midst of the chaos that is my life, I forget what I have been brought through. I take a look at this girl

Toddling around happy as a clam, and I almost forget that 16 months ago, I almost lost her. I lived a whole nine months in fear of that very thing. What if God took her too? Would I be able to with stand that? Would I possibly be able to believe in a loving God if he took her?

I've wrote about this before last year in detail, but I will say it again. God could have given me an easy pregnancy and delivery but he chose to teach me who he is through her. I am clinging onto the crazy, traumatic, beautiful memory of that ambulance ride where he whispered Psalm 23 to me over and over again, while I was still yet unsure whether Katelyn was still with me, I knew God was, and he was never going to leave me. Even with my doubts, fears, bitterness, anger, and apathy, he was holding on to me. He was peace to me in the midst of chaos. He was life to me quite literally in the valley of the shadow of death. He was. He is.

How quickly it can all fade into the back of your mind. It is a constant struggle to remember his goodness, yet there is evidence toddling around me everyday. Giving me kisses, hugs, and giggles. His goodness doesn't always lie with what he has given, but it also lies in what he has taken away. It is good to know this world is not my home. It is good to be stripped of your comfort zone, it is good to wait.

I needed to be reminded of that. I wrote this song tonight while I was remembering. It's about my thoughts and fears during my entire pregnancy with Katelyn all the way to her delivery. I love how I can use scripture as a testimony in my life.

I am A Sheep , Lyrics and music by April Frahm

I am a sheep who has gone astray, who has gone astray x2

They say you are a gentle Shepard and I will not want, oh I will not want

you will lead me to pastures green

and lay me down by the quiet stream

But oh, do you know, that I am walking through the shadows

Oh do you know that I am walking through the shadows of a valley dark and deep?

I need a Shepard who will comfort me

oh please comfort me

Take your staff and direct my path, oh direct my path

They say you are a gentle Shepard

Who will anoint me and make my cup overflow

and you lead me to my enemies and you make me stand holding your hand

oh do but do you know I am walking through the shadows

oh do you know I am walking through the shadows of a valley dark and deep

Oh surely goodness will follow me

Oh surely goodness follow me

and I will not fear

I am a sheep who has gone astray

but I will not fear, for you are near...

Life at our house...

2011-10-17T20:52:00.000-07:00

So tonight didn't turn out so great. Good day, bad night. But I feel like I focus too much on the bad that I forget to laugh, so tonight I decided to take a humorous turn and let you get a glimpse of our lives :-) Enjoy...

When you lose something, you can't replace....

2011-10-14T22:54:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday night this week I finished leading my first bible study on miscarriage, still birth and infant loss. I'm not going to lie. It has been an emotional three months for me. I think it is fitting we finished this week as tomorrow is the National day of Remembrance for the babies we have lost too early. I don't know if I will light a candle, or release a balloon, but I will remember. One of the things I can take away from the study, for sure, is that healing doesn't mean forgetting. Next February will be four years since my life dramatically changed. God has shown me his strength but he has also shown me we aren't meant to go through this alone. The loss hurts, and I hope through this bible study, a little healing happened in all of us. I was watching the tail end of a show the other night and it's a pretty popular show with musical numbers, but this song came on and I just started to cry, because the lyrics were hauntingly beautiful to me. The promise of hope that with others, we heal faster. That yes we feel pain. We cry, but God, he leads us home, our brothers and sisters guide us along the way and we start to see that there is hope around the corner. So tomorrow I will remember the life. I will remember the death, and I will remember the one who conquered it long before my journey started. For he has a plan, one that gives us all a future and a hope.

Day in Julian

2011-10-10T20:29:00.000-07:00

happy girl

2011-10-08T15:34:00.000-07:00

Surprise! I love you!

2011-10-04T00:04:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I am an awful mom. No, really, sometimes I am just the worst. I lose my temper on a semi-regular basis, no one ever has matching socks, and sometimes my kids get frozen yogurt for dinner. While this isn't the greatest point making list, the real point is, I fail sometimes. Tonight I had reached one of those epic failure moments. Over the past few nights, Hannalee has been coming down the stairs lamenting that she doesn't understand why I get to stay up and do fun things while she has to go to bed. Sometimes I lack the wisdom to say nothing better than because I said so. It doesn't work with her. So every night she has these monumental whine sessions of the unfairness of childhood. Tonight I had no patience for that so as I tucked them into bed, I basically threatened their lives that if they came out of their rooms and there wasn't any blood gushing from them or something like that there would be consequences. Well, Hannalee did come down at around 8:35 and I just lost it before she even said a word. I told her I was tired of the argument, and that I was the adult and I would choose when I would go to bed, so go to bed or ELSE!!! Yeah, well, that didn't make me feel too hot. But it did the job and I was feeling better about everything until I did finally come upstairs and this is what I found:

translation: Dear Mommy, I'm sorry for making you frustrated.I didn't mean to do that to you

I just want to tell you, but remember, this is not an argument, OK? What I wanted to tell you was that I really want you

to come upstairs at 9:30. If that isn't ok then that is fine with me, If you say yes, good. But remember NO argument

Sincerely, Hannalee PS. Could you sleep next to me? Turn -->

Can some one hand me a box of tissues? Kids humble me so much. I know that I need to have some time to recharge and be alone at night, but honestly, sometimes in some situations I need to stop and listen. I am missing the forest for the trees if you will. I am paying so much attention to what I should have, instead of what I do have. I am thankful that God is a better parent than me, and that he isn't to busy catching up on his Netflix queue to hear the real words coming from his Children's mouths. Surprise, I love you very Much.

Missing my son...

2011-10-01T23:52:00.000-07:00

Little things this week have brought me close to tears

I don't know why, it's been three and a half years

Some one in a crowded room kept calling your name

It was someone else's little boy, and it gave my heart pangs.

I don't know why this week has been hard

I've heard your name before

But it hurt yesterday when someone noticed that I had three,

and I wanted to tell them I had four...

But this pain is only for a moment

and joy will come tomorrow

But today I will lean on Him and give him my son and my sorrow

She is getting close....

2011-09-26T23:29:00.001-07:00

The hardest thing I have ever done...

2011-09-19T23:26:00.000-07:00

Is let you listen to what I have written. But, this is for my parents and Brian mostly, so if it stinks I know they still will love me. These are EXTREMELY ROUGH and as Randy would say a little pitchy in some parts dog... But I hope to one day lay down a track or two at a friends house. I dunno...you can't go wrong writing God's words down to music. Enjoy. :-/ You'll have to forgive my little rant on the take a while, it was late and I was tired of messing up the video :-)

Words adapted from Psalm 100 music by April Frahm

Lyrics: Make a Joyful Noise, All the earth and serve the Lord with Gladness x2
Come into his presence with singing and Know the Lord is Good x2
(chorus)
For it is he who made us, it is he who made us, it is he who made us, and we are his

Enter his gates with Thanksgiving and his courts with praise x2

Give thanks to him and bless his name for the Lord is good x2

chorus

bridge His love endures forever, his love endures forever, his love endures forever and we are his

chorus

Lyrics and Music by April Frahm

Time to start again new, don't forget what to do

Pick up the pieces from yesterday's trash and burn them to ash

Because you said nothing's wrong with not being strong

In your weakness I reveal my stength

Chorus

So sit down at my feet and give me all your needs

I'm a refreshing rain that soaks up all the pain

Just remember with time I make all things right

So just sit down my child things might take awhile

There it is on a shelf a book with such weatlth

I try to figure it out try to act all devout

Seemed the right thing to do but I am feeling confused

Shouldn't I feel new now that I am walking with you?

Chorus

Bridge-So I'll pick up the book and I'll give it a look first I surrender to you, your son and your word will make this heart brand new

And in this place I start to feel, your grace

Chorus

Words adapted from Lamentations chapter 3 music by April Frahm

I am one who has seen, affliction under his hand Bringing me to darkness without any light

All my hope is gone, forgotten what happiness is, My soul can not forget what has been done

The Lord will not leave you alone, and as you walk through this grief, he alone will hold you he'll carry your pain

Dry bones will walk again, and beauty will rise from ash, and this is the promise he made to me

Chorus

The Steadfast love of God never fails, his mercy is new as the sun will rise, Great his is faithfulness to me

He is my life, and I will hope

Bridge-It is good oh man, It is good oh man, It is good oh man to wait, It is good oh man It is good oh man, It is good oh man to wait

Chorus

Who told you...

2011-09-04T22:07:00.000-07:00

I was hanging out with an awesome girl from church. She is uber creative in all things. She is in a band, she sews, she is bursting with energy. I love how she loves the Lord when she worships. She and I got together to talk music for the kid's ministry at our church and ended up with a mini jam session at her house with some of the songs she had written. At the end of our time together I told her, I wish I could write songs. I just have never been able to. I don't have that gift. I can play music I just can't write it. And she said real quickly back to me, "Who said you can't? That is just a lie from the evil one to stop you from using your gifts to worship God. Don't believe that."

I pondered that on the way home. Have I really been listening to lies all along?

Tonight it hit me while I was on the web surfing, neurotically wondering why my 14 month old won't walk, why my daughter disrespects me sometimes, why I can't seem to be confident in the way I do things, why I can't stop eating my kid's fruit snacks, why does my skin still break out like a teenagers? Why after such an awesome day at church do I still feel like a cruddy Christian? I have been not only listening to lies, but I have been believing them too.

Who said I wasn't a writer? Who said my kid wasn't fine the way God made her? Who said my parenting was awful? Who said I wasn't beautiful? Who said you are condemned before God?

It hit me just like it hit Adam and Eve in the Garden, way back when. When they had believed the lie and eaten the fruit they realized their own nakedness and covered up. God asked," Who told you you were naked?" God didn't.

Who are you listening to? Who is telling you that you are naked? Who is telling you that you can't?

So it may be the worst song ever written, but God gave it to me, and I wrote it down tonight. And I thanked him for unclogging my ears tonight, and maybe with his help I will start listening to the right voice.

The Great Wall Ball Caper...

2011-08-20T07:25:00.000-07:00

I have a very competitive daughter. She loves to win. Over the years we have tried, to help her understand the meaning of being a good sport. We have succeeded at times failed at others. One of the games she absolutely loves to play at school is wall ball. Now, I wasn't necessarily aware of this game before, but have been filled in by watching a few after school matches on the playground. Basically it is a lot like hand ball except you use your fists and a kickball. You have four people on a court and each person takes a hitting the ball in order. You have to make it over the yellow line or your out, and the next person in line takes your spot. The other thing about this sport is that it is pretty much dominated and played by boys. And then, there is Hannalee. The lone girl who LOVES wall ball. At first, her determination to play and do well, made me happy. She didn't care that she was the only girl amongst the boys. It was neat to see her play a game and hold her own. Then this year, it all took a turn for the worse. She started getting bullied by the boys. Taunts like, oh here is an easy out lets get her out so "so and so" can get back in, or bending the rules for the boys but not for her. Making her feel bad for playing in efforts to get her off the court. Sometimes she can hang, but sometimes it makes her give up and cry. Yesterday was one of those days. She was playing her heart out and one boy just wouldn't stop messing with her. I am conflicted at this point on what to do. Clearly, I am not the only parent watching these kids. The moms of these boys are seeing how their sons are treating a girl. Do they not care? Am I overreacting because this is My girl? I gave Hannalee this advice on the way home:

Hannalee, there are boys who are going to be nice, like our neighbor her age, who takes care of you and plays with you and says kind things and wants to play with you. Then, there are boys who are going to be mean, and who don't care about your feelings and will say things to you that they shouldn't, especially in a competitive setting. Don't be friends with the boys who treat you meanly. But, don't let those boys take away a game you love. If you are being bullied, ignore it and stand your ground. Pray that your heart be guarded. Pray that their attitudes change and then play the game. If they say stuff to you be strong. They want you to give up. If you really love something stick with it. Eventually they will give up and stop because they realize you aren't giving up.

I don't know if this was the best advice, but I don't believe in the whole "a boy only teases you if they like you" business either. That is false. But you know, the thing that bothers me the most is the parents of these boys. Who stand by watching their boys treat little girls this way. Is chivalry dead at such an early age? Is the mentality that boys will be boys accepted when it comes to how girls are treated? I am not saying that my daughter is innocent and acts like an angel, but when, say you are watching your little boy taunt and make fun of a little girl and make her cry and you don't do anything but stare at your iphone and chat it up with the ladies, I think you are missing an opportunity teaching your boy that he should respect and be kind to girls, because eventually your boy will become a man.

What do you think? Overreacting on my part? What advice would you give to your daughter?

It's time to get serious....

2011-07-25T09:45:00.000-07:00

Ok ok. I haven't written in a while. Maybe I have been stubborn, maybe I just haven't had anything to say. Maybe I have been slacking off in my walk with God and was too embarrassed to write anything serious because I didn't sound sincere. But, God is moving in my life. I can feel it. This whole process of being a Christian is a hard journey. Parts of my life have been super easy, and others gut wrenchingly hard. One of those hard things was losing a son followed by another miscarriage. Last Tuesday we had the first meeting at my house for the Bible Study, Breaking the Silence. It was sweet to be among believers who have walked down the same road, but also incredibly hard to surrender and be vulnerable. Because, honestly, I still struggle. I struggle with my faith in the hard stuff. I don't understand. It is easier to ball up and become hard to the broken world, discarding my feelings into something that just happened and now it is time to move on. It is easier, but that isn't what God wants out of us. He wants to break open our hearts to see the gift of Hope that Jesus offers. We talked a lot on tuesday night. Tears came, we laughed, we prayed. One question kept popping up though. If we all still struggle, and sometimes to the point of just going through the motions, what keeps us walking this road of faith? Listening to the answers of these women filled my heart with Joy. Joy because, Jesus is bigger than any circumstance that comes our way. Joy that one day all things will be made right. Perseverance, because we know who we are in Christ, we knew before these things happened, and we know now. A friend, shared this quote on facebook: "God will not protect us from that which perfects us"

You know, the more I step outside of myself, and focus on others, the more I realize that this thing that happened was a gift. I realize that Jesus is seriously working.

I have this thing I do with secular songs. I make them about Christ a lot. I recently was introduced to this song, Where the road meets the sun. I thought this is true. Things happen in life, good, bad , and the ugly. But you know what? When all is said and done, We will walk where the road meets the Son.

1st day of school!!!

2011-07-20T09:43:00.000-07:00

The kids go to a year round school, so school started today! Lauren was all ready to go this morning. So happy to be a kindergartner! Hannalee is starting 2nd this year. And Katelyn, well she gets to have me all to herself! What a year ahead of us!

Happy Fourth!

2011-07-04T22:17:00.000-07:00

We finally made it through Fireworks this year! Hannalee is deathly afraid of loud noises, but this year we convinced her to give it a go since they would be far enough away not to hurt her ears. We started off the morning at the pool with great friends, and came home to take a nap and then went back over for a BBQ. We headed over to a local park to watch the fireworks show. It was great all the way up until the show ended and we had to walk all the way back to our car. We had some tired children whose feet all of a sudden didn't work any more. They hit the pillow hard tonight. I hope you enjoyed your fourth festivities. Proud to be a military wife, proud to be an American, and Proud to live in a country where we are still free to worship Christ. For he is our true freedom. Miss you Brian! Can't wait to see you.

Birthday Highlights....

2011-06-27T13:03:00.001-07:00

Pool time GA style

Ladybugs for Katybug

My sweet little 1 year old

MMMMM!

This was a special moment, Brian called (for the first time in about 3 weeks) right in time for Katleyn's party!

This Little Girl...

2011-06-23T22:43:00.001-07:00

is turning 1 on Monday!

I can't believe when I look back on your first year, Katelyn, how fast it has all gone! What a tremendous blessing from God you are. I sit here amazed at the way you came into this world. What an absolute miracle you really are! I am blessed to be your mom. What a whirlwind your first year has been, you were born, stayed in the NICU for 10 days, lived at our old house for a few days, moved into a hotel, moved into Grandma G's house for 2 weeks, moved to Ga for a month, flew to California to move to San Diego, and now here we are one year later. You are such a funny little girl with your many facial expressions and you love your sisters to pieces. We all love you Katelyn. You are a gift from God.

Crafty

2011-06-16T14:20:00.000-07:00

It is no secret that I wasn't born with the craft gene. I get a nervous twitch around patterns and thread. I just can't do it. I was in home ec my senior year of high school and we had to sew a sweat shirt together. It was a disaster. I don't think I have fully recovered. I am super envious with those given the craft gift. I stick to what I know. I have been looking for a birthday shirt for Katelyn, and sometimes I am too practical for my own good. I hate spending money on something they can only wear once. So I started looking for shirts that just had the number one. I couldn't find one that I loved, so a few days ago I was wondering around Hobby Lobby, pretending I was crafty, when I came across the iron on section of the store. Iron on? I can do that. I found some really cute iron on patches and bought some shirts for 2.00 and presto, a not so crafty person turned some plain shirts into something fabulous. Yay for me. And check out the bows! I say, "when in the south, do as the southerners do..."

East Coast!

2011-06-13T06:42:00.000-07:00

Well, I made it. I flew solo with the kids across the country and landed with all my sanity intact. We had a jam packed week in Virginia. I didn't realize how nostalgic I got. I even got a little teary when the kids played on the swing set that we left for the new neighbors. We had a lot of fun swimming in the old neighborhood pool. Lauren decided she wanted to jump off the diving board and so she took off the life jacket, and went for it. She did so well swimming on her own this week! She is getting older and more confident everyday! We had a blast with old friends and family. I am so sad to leave again. We are in Georgia now for the rest of the month. Katelyn turns one in a few weeks! I can't believe it. She had an impromptu birthday party in Virginia so Grandma G could celebrate with her. She loved her cupcake! I also got to throw, along side my friend Nicolette, a baby shower for my dear friend Christie. I can't wait to meet little Shaphan. One of the crappy things about moving is leaving behind people we love. My friendship with Christie runs deep and I am thankful for her! Looking forward to spending time with all my friends and family in Georgia.

Randomness...

2011-05-27T19:08:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged in a while, and honestly contemplating shutting it down. Facebook has taken over the world and taken me down with it. Very easy to communicate things there, it is. Anyway, I was thinking about the blog and realizing how special a place it was for me for two years. It was my way of talking out my life in ways I couldn't with my literal voice. It helped me heal, it let me just talk and talk. Honestly, I don't even know if anyone reads this anymore, and that is ok. But, I decided to keep it around for the next part of my journey. When I get back from my trip back east, I am going to be helping lead a stillbirth, miscarriage, and infant loss group at my church. I had been asked by a couple of ladies that really wanted to see it happen, and I wasn't sure. I mean it is going to be hard, but I feel like I am finally at a place that I can see what happened as a gift. So, whoever is out there reading, please pray for us as we meet and minister to others the hope that God offers the broken hearted.

In other news, I am headed out to Virginia and Georgia soon and am super excited about it. I love my friends and family!

I wish I had a picture, but I got to hang out with my cool friend Michelle and her son Gabe this past week. We went to sea world and had a blast. You know those friends who can just make you smile and laugh at anything? She is one of them! Love her.

It has been neat to have two of my great friends come visit since living here.

Lauren is going to Kindergarten in a month and a half. YIKES. And Hannalee will be in 2nd! What?

Hannalee has been talking to me about baptism, and been asking a lot of questions. Last sunday, she went right up to our pastor and told him she wanted to be baptized. My heart is happy for her. So our pastor is going to talk with her when we get back. Exciting!

Katelyn is super talkative. Talks all the time. Very mischievous this one. Likes to crawl under things and laughs a lot.

Hannalee and Lauren have discovered High School Musical through netflix. Go wildcats.

Seriously though, I might go crazy if I hear those songs one more time...

If you have small kids and want a deal everything at Gymboree and Gymboree.com is 12.99 and under for the whole weekend. Everything. Too bad I don't need anything.

Maybe I will write a serious post next time but for now enjoy the randomness.

Lauren is 5!

2011-05-03T20:40:00.001-07:00

Don't be jealous of my mad cake decorating skills LOL

What the birthday girl wanted for breakfast, mmmm....

Birthday Card from Daddy, we missed you a lot today!!!!

Build a Bear Birthday

Katelyn smiles from her pouch

Happy on the floor

Washing our newborn bears

Having some fun!

Happy Birthday Sweetie, you bring joy and laughter every day to me.

8

2011-04-26T09:07:00.000-07:00

So about a month ago, I was checking facebook and people were all a twitter over a certain's show attempt at a musical. Now I don't watch this show, I don't even know what the story lines are anymore, but it got me interested to see what they were talking about. I saw a clip with one of the actresses singing the song The Story. I fell in love with the song, and the original singer. I love songs where the lyrics are very meaningful. This song to me represents the past 8 years of our marriage. Before Brian left this month for a brief deployment we got to have an early anniversary dinner. We had a great time laughing, and I realized that this was one of the first years I wasn't pregnant or mourning. We have laughed and cried over the years. Brian, you know all my stories and I can't imagine telling them or living them with anyone else! I love you Brian. Each year has brought new things and I continue to thank God that you are the one beside me.

Part of the lyrics of The Story (Brandi Carlile)

You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what
I've been through like you do
And I was made for you...
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you

The gospel meets an egg...

2011-04-25T13:12:00.000-07:00

I helped the girls dye eggs on Saturday night. After the dye dried, I gave the girls markers to decorate them the way they wanted to. Katelyn was tired so I went upstairs to put her to bed, and when I came back down I found this:

I am continually grateful that God is penetrating my daughters' thoughts, prayers, and hearts. I know some people might think that celebrating secular parts of holidays takes away focus from Jesus, but I have been constantly amazed that if Jesus is your focus and your heart, you can even find the gospel on an egg. Hope you had an awesome Resurrection Sunday, and that you continue to find him in the oddest places.

Happy Easter!

2011-04-23T12:13:00.001-07:00

We miss you Brian!!!

New do's

2011-04-20T13:27:00.000-07:00

We all got hair cuts this week, well everyone but Brian and Katelyn for obvious reasons...lol.

Anyhoo, the place the girls went to was pretty cool. A hair salon just for kids. It had movies playing as they got their hair cut and cool chairs. The girls are growing their hair out a la Rapunzel so we just got their's trimmed. The ladies put sparkles in both Hannalee and Lauren's hair but Lauren got her hair braided. This do is now my nemesis. I love it and it is beautiful, but I can't recreate it, and Lauren ADORES it. I guess I need educate myself on youtube to find out how to braid hair. I don't know how to do much with hair I can do a mean pony or pigtail but that is where my talents cease.

I cut about 5 inches off mine. It was time. It was looking like thistles on the ends so it had to go. I tried to have long hair it just isn't working for me anymore. I didn't go too short though. I have to say, it was a hard decision. You get so used to your hair after it took forever to grow out and then bam with a swipe of scissors it is gone. But I like it.

28

2011-04-18T08:06:00.001-07:00

It has been a whirlwind year! The past two weeks have been so much fun leading up to my birthday. We went to Coronado, old town San Diego, a San Diego Padres game, Disneyland, Hollywood, Santa Monica, and then we came home and had a pool day. I am exhausted. We had a laid back day yesterday which was good, because I don't think I could pack anything else in. The girls surprised me with some new p.j.'s they picked out, and Brian got me some new running shoes. I cancelled my gym membership because Katelyn hated the nursery. So I invested in a single jogging stroller, got some new running shoes, and hopefully I can get back up to running 3 miles again like I did before Katelyn got here. So here is to 28! Looking forward to the year ahead.

only in LA

2011-04-15T07:26:00.001-07:00

Only in L.A. would a parrot man on pier put a parrot in your baby's stroller. This is priceless.

It's been three years...

2011-04-08T16:54:00.000-07:00

Last February was sad and busy. Our computer died and I didn't want to blog really. I wanted to, but then again I didn't. You see it has been three years since I said hello and good bye at the same time. Three years that have passed and yet it seems like yesterday sometimes. Things sure have changed. I now have three little girls instead of two. I moved across the country. I have grown up a lot. Year one after Eli died, I feel like my head was constantly spinning. Grief stricken at the oddest times, anti social, desperately clinging to God for strength. My whole personality altered. I was a part of a club I didn't ever want to be apart of, and didn't know existed. Year two came around and I was still sad and empty handed. This year was probably the worse because it handed bitterness and doubt to me. Bitterness over another miscarriage, doubt about the ability to see the good in the world again. Angry that reality had replaced my dreams. And angry that I didn't seem to be able to get over the fact that I was angry. Year 2 also presented much change in the news that we might be leaving Virginia. God was slowly healing me half way year 2. He began opening my eyes to the blessings around me. The ocean waves at Nags Head, the sun rising, the laughter of my children, the laughter of my friends, the strength of my husband, the church family that was beginning to develop around me. I began to stop wanting to run away and start living where I was with who I now was. And then God said go. Go to California. And oh by the way, you are pregnant again. Everything was crazy for a while after Katelyn arrived and it took a while to get settled here in California. Now that we are I wanted to reflect about the beginning of year three. I have been able to talk to so many people about what I went through, and I am beginning to see the need and fruits of that kind of ministry. Just talking to people who have gone through it, or to find out you feel the same is a relief in it self. I am at a different place now than year one or two, I am beginning to see the good where it is, and understand the bad for what it is. I am seeing the beauty develop from the ashes and it feels freeing. I guess the point I am trying to make, for anyone out there reading this is that going through grief is hard, and harder alone. Going through it with God and friends makes the burden light. Year by year time begins opening your heart to joy again, opening your eyes to see the world isn't all bad, that things aren't all bad. Year by year you still grieve and miss what you have lost, but you begin to be able to use that experience to help the ones who are still in year one. You know what it is like on the other side. You begin to see what God meant when he wanted you to have life and have it full. I love this new John Mayer song it completely describes where I am three years later. To whomever may be reading this. Hang in there. God is good, and he is love.

"The Heart Of Life"

I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears
And listen

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

You know, it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
Then, circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good
I know it's good

Beauty and the Beast

2011-03-28T12:49:00.001-07:00

Things they are a changing

2011-03-17T10:53:00.000-07:00

I think California is having an effect on me.
For instance, I bought a pair of leggings, and I wore them in public
I wear jeans to church without feeling weird
I have long flowing hair now that I put flowers in, just kidding, no flowers
On 98% of the days here I wear flip flops. The old me had two colors of shoes. Brown and Black. I was at the store the other day and I was drawn to these shoes. They aren't like me at all, and yet, I have worn them with everything. Just call me wild.

What about you is changing?

the scars

2011-03-16T09:34:00.000-07:00

I stare at my reflection for a long time.
My hair and face don't seem to agree
On my chin lay red little bumps
while little strands of gray streak my hair
I fumble through the bathroom to the vanity
Trying to mask the problems with dye and concealer.
I stare at my self once more but deeper
My soul seems to be in contradiction as well.
Blemishes, red, and raw and not pleasant to set your eye on.
They rise on doubt and fear. They hurt to touch, and yet are impossible not to mess with.
They aren't easy to hide, yet I try.
I take my brush and try so hard to remove the redness and splotchiness on my own but they are still there.
Under mounds and mounds of disguise.

I ditch the makeup for awhile.
Hoping that exposing them would heal the wounds.
The bumps die down,
but then come the scars
Scars that force you to remember
that sometimes, living without the make up is harder.
What do you do with the scars?
Bleary eyed ,tired, wanting so bad to reach for the right color of concealer to hide the mess
and I cry out
How do I fix the scars?
And there, with my gaping wounds out in the open
He offers more scars
His scars.
He lays his scarred hand over my heart
His scarred hands grip mine and conceal every last inch of doubt, fear, and hurt.
In the deep stillness I hear his voice, but only when I take the makeup off and come clean.
Only when I let my blemishes be exposed can his scars cover them.

Replacing doubt with peace, fear with courage, pain with healing.

Heavy Posting

2011-03-10T09:13:00.000-08:00

I haven't really posted anything "heavy" in a while. Maybe because I haven't been feeling heavy lately, or that I am at a loss for heavier topics. I like to follow a few mainstream mommy blogs, and I like to follow a few non mommy blogs. A few days ago, a little bit of a blogosphere firestorm blew up over a certain book that is coming out later this month. Then another argument about a book I am currently reading, started between two mommy bloggers. It actually got me saddened more than anything. Yes, we should stand up for the truth, there should be church discipline, and people are entitled to their opinions, But when did it become normal for sheep to fight sheep? When did the church become Calvin vs. the other guys?

It makes me wonder. I started thinking about when Jesus healed someone on the sabbath day. The pharisees and their legalism and laws had a cow that Jesus would do such a thing. Didn't he know the scriptures say this or that? I feel that way sometimes when christians argue against each other on issues that aren't black and white. If it doesn't involve the resurrection, the atonement of sins, or the love of Christ for his people, then why attack our brothers and sisters? The answer will be from some that they are standing up for the truth. That they are standing up for the true interpretation of the scripture. But sometimes, based on the case of my past arguments, it was more about me being right than standing up for God. Somewhere along the line some of us have fallen into a trap like those in the Bible who were calling themselves followers of Paul. I follow Paul or I follow Apollos! Paul said NO! Follow Christ. I look up to theologians, but I can't become their follower. I believe in the points of Calvin, but I am not a Calvinist, I am a Christian. Sometimes I think it has built walls up between fellow believers. Walls that non believers can see. Why be a part of something that causes so much division?

I have been thinking a lot lately. I love doctrine, and I love my theology, and I love Christ. But, I have to love my brother and sister as well. I have to be kind and loving to them where they are. I don't want to dismiss them or their love of God just because we might not agree. I want to have a conversation not an argument, I want to express my opinion and interpretation, not build a wall. I want my children to love others, bearing all things with patience with those who may not be where we are at.

You might disagree with me, this is okay. I don't mind. I am coming to a place in my walk that is starting to care more about what Christ thinks of me than people pleasing. I have been thinking about this verse a lot. It is a verse I want my family to live by. It is what I think Jesus wants his sheep to be living by.
Micah 6:8
8 He has told you, O man, what is good;
and what does the Lord require of you
but to do justice, and to love kindness,
and to walk humbly with your God

A little quote for days like these....

2011-02-28T09:34:00.000-08:00

I love to play hide and seek with my kid, but some days my goal is to find a hiding place where he can't find me until after high school. ~Author Unknown

When pride comes before destruction, a typical day in the life of me...

2011-02-10T09:26:00.000-08:00

So, it is no big secret that I am not Miss Tidy. I try to clean to the best of my abilities, but I get overwhelmed a lot by the magnitude of the mess that is left by three little ones. It never ends. Fruit Loops on the floor, sweet potato encrusted bibs, spit up everywhere. Not to mention the dog. His hair is the bane of my existence. But, on most days I can handle it. But a couple of days ago, a friend was coming over. I left the dishes in the sink the night before, so I quickly washed them before dropping number 1 off to school, when I came back I focused on sweeping and realized that I forgot to wash the plastic colander and had left it in the sink. Wanting to look like I had it all together I did what any normal person would do, and stuffed it somewhere the offensive dish could not be seen and placed it in the oven. Fast forward to yesterday.

I am being a good mom making a home cooked meal for the family. One that everyone actually likes. This meal calls for preheating the oven to 350. Can you see where this is heading? I am almost done cooking the ingredients on the range top when I start smelling the fumes. Sadly, I recognize the smell, because this isn't the first time I have burnt plastic. Well, needless to say I shut off the oven and screamed BRIAN!!!!! It aint pretty folks. It was a big old white mess. Kind've like the end of the Ghostbusters movie when the giant Marshmellow Michelin man or whatever that thing was exploded.

So dinner was a bust. And, we ended up going to get frozen yogurt instead. So the moral of the story is let your dirty dishes be exposed, let your friends see that you are messy and not having perfected the Proverbs 31 passage, because hello they had servants! I only have 3 messy minions :-) But, the mess was all mine this time. So Lord, break me of my pride.There was a cute quote I heard awhile back, I am not sure who said it. It says, "If you are coming to see me, come on in, but if you are coming to see my house, make an appointment"
So true. But either way, I am not guaranteeing that your foot won't come across a random fruit loop or 2. That is just one of the blessings I am learning to accept. Has your pride been broken this week?

Be beary beary Quiet

2011-01-29T18:35:00.000-08:00

Katelyn has been pretty picky about toys, and this one is one of her favorites, at least she is patriotic!

In other news, we have been snotty and vomitty this week. So the Lord has been really testing my patience. Did I mention I found a gray eyebrow hair? An eyebrow hair people. My eyebrows are turning gray. AGGH I am only turning 28 this year! Is there an age you realize you aren't a kid anymore? I think this year is it. I know I have kids and am married and have a house and all, I just think in the back of my mind still thought I was a young adult, I am beginning to realize I run with the older crowd now, the ones who want to go to bed a 8 pm. Speaking of bed, I have to get the real kiddos around here ready for bedtime. Have a blessed weekend!

Good reasons to get Married...

2011-01-24T12:39:00.000-08:00

Lauren came home today from school with a sad look. "Mommy..." she began, "My teachers told me I can't marry anyone."

"Your teachers said you can't get married?" I questioned, wondering why she would even be asking to get married in the first place.

"Well, I can't get married til I am older they said. I can get married when I am older right?" she continued

"Right," I said, "when you are older"

"Mommy, remember what I said? I am going to marry Micah. Right Mommy? I am going to marry Micah."

I replied, " Your going to marry Micah huh?"

"Yes remember mommy?" She said

"Why do you want to marry Micah, Lauren?"

"Well, he has Toy Story..."

"Yes that is quite important," I replied "What else?"

"He has a big room and a toy room."

"Is that all Lauren? Is there anything else?"

"Yeah, he is nice too." and that was the end of the conversation.

Gotta love it! Christie I thought you would get a kick out of this today :-)

If you are going to read...read this

2011-01-20T14:11:00.001-08:00

I bought Brian a Kindle for christmas. I have now confiscated it as my own. LOL. Well, not really, but I have used it during the day a few times since he is at work. I have read a few books so far, but I really got interested in this one after one of the blogs I read started reading this for their book club. I bought it on the kindle and after the first two chapters I had to put it down and really breathe and just take it all in. It is very raw and real and excellent. I can't wait to have more time to sit and finish it. So, go and get a copy and we can discuss it together. It is worth the money I think.

She knows this full well

2011-01-18T14:12:00.001-08:00

Psalm 139:14

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Winter in California

2011-01-15T15:48:00.001-08:00

This is La Jolla. La Jolla is a beach community in northern San Diego. It reminded me a lot of LOST. It was stunning. You could get up close to seals, climb up and down the rocks to get to the beach and get the most amazing views of the Pacific. Just a typical January day in southern California I guess.

Jesus author of the best Parenting Advice

2011-01-05T14:02:00.000-08:00

Ever have one of those days where even though they look this cute, you need to be reminded of this:

"If your brother (insert daughters) sins, tell him he is wrong. If he turns away from his sins forgive him. Suppose he sins against you seven times in one day, and suppose he comes back to you each time and says, I am sorry. Forgive him" Luke 17 3-4

I joke and jest but I needed this today for real.

I want to be hands and feet, not brains.

2011-01-05T13:15:00.000-08:00

Ok, so this year I had a few resolutions. Of course be healthier. Work out more... blah blah blah, so predictible and really more of an ongoing theme in my life than a resolution. So I went with a resolution that has been tugging at my heart for a while now. I resolute to get to know Jesus more. I just finished reading a few books this year that made me really sit down and think, am I all talk and no do? It came down to this for me, Jesus said, "Why do you call me Lord Lord and still do not do what I say?" So yesterday I decided that if I had enough time to facebook, play the Wii (thanks mom! Brian and I have been mastering Mario since Christmas), or peruse the latest blogs and virtually stalk people, I had time to sit down and get to know Jesus a little better. I had time to really renew what I had taught and believe in. And here is the low down of the last two days. It is easy to go to church, but it is down right hard to follow Jesus. Seriously. The man is pretty hard to follow. Jesus even gives a little disclaimer to any would be followers in Luke Chapter 14 verses 25-35. I'll let you look it up.

He is really into two things, redeeming people's lives and caring for the poor and less fortunate. He is infuriated at the current leadership of the church because they have become more about law than people. They became more focused on fundamentals than real truth. And from what I have read about Jesus in the last two days is I am probably more pharisee than follower. I cling so tight to knowledge sometimes that I forget to implement the knowledge. Somewhere along the line, as author Rachel Held Evans put it in her book Evolving in Monkeytown, I went from being a Christian in my heart to being a Christian in my head.

I like to talk about helping the poor, I like to talk about all the great things we can do, I like to talk about forgiveness and grace, but at the end of the day, did I take up my cross and follow Jesus, or did I plop down read my bible and move on to the next discussion question.

So here is the resolution. I am going to really get to know Jesus. I want to know what he did and do what he says. I want to stop talking and start doing. You know like the old hymn, I want to trust and obey.

I don't think I have to be overseas, or open a homeless shelter. But I can talk to my widowed elderly neighbor more often than Christmas,( I am writing this down so I can be held accountable), I can treat my kids with more grace than I do. I can love my husband. I can work in the church and outside of it. I can stop judging. I can hang out with people I am not comfortable with. But I can't do any of it, without Jesus. Otherwise it would just be good stuff. I want to be hands and feet, not brains.

So there. There is my resolution for the New Year. To get to know the guy who died for me. Because I think if I do, it might make a difference.

Reflections on the New Year

2011-01-02T09:11:00.000-08:00

2010

-Found out we were having another girl
-Became quite anxious over said girl
-Found out we were moving
-Moving 3000 miles away to California only a month after I was due
-Got our house ready to sell and got it sold
-Katelyn made her scary appearance 5 weeks early
-Moved into a hotel
-Moved to Ga for a month
-Moved to San Diego
-Became a parent of a 1st grader, pre-Ker, and a baby
-DIDN'T GO INSANE (By the Grace of God)

Here's to 2011 may it be filled with as much craziness and love as 2010. May it bring us closer to our God, and may we see him in all that we do.

Chubby McChubberson

2010-12-30T09:31:00.001-08:00

Katelyn at 6 months! Wow can't believe she used to be a tiny 5 pounder in the NICU! Blessed.

The whole gospel in a Christmas song...

2010-12-22T10:36:00.000-08:00

Ok, so maybe they weren't "kings". Maybe there were more than three, I don't know...
But there is so much richness in this song and truth and the whole good news is here:

We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

O Star of wonder, star of night
Star with royal beauty bright
Westward leading, still proceeding
Guide us to thy Perfect Light

Born a King on Bethlehem's plain
Gold I bring to crown Him again
King forever, ceasing never
Over us all to rein

Frankincense to offer have I
Incense owns a Deity nigh
Pray'r and praising, all men raising
Worship Him, God most high

Myrrh is mine, its bitter perfume
Breathes of life of gathering gloom
Sorrowing, sighing, bleeding, dying
Sealed in the stone-cold tomb

Glorious now behold Him arise
King and God and Sacrifice
Alleluia, Alleluia
Earth to heav'n replies

O Star of wonder, star of night
Star with royal beauty bright
Westward leading, still proceeding

Guide us to Thy perfect light

Thoughts and Tackiness

2010-12-12T13:05:00.001-08:00

There is just something about Christmas that says, hey lets dress up horribly tacky and celebrate the birth of Christ isn't there? Well, maybe not, but that's what we did on Friday night, and we had a blast with the people in our small group and the kiddos. I had just as much fun going to the thrift stores searching for the outfits as I did going to the party itself. Brian sure was a trooper wearing the outfit I bought for him. We all looked great though!

And now on to deeper thoughts this holiday season. This morning's sermon was all about expectations and Christmas. It got me thinking of what we expect this time of year. We start expecting around thanksgiving that the most wonderful time of the year is just around the corner. We as parents get excited to see our kids giddy on that morning unwrapping the presents under the tree. We expect to dig a little deeper into the birth of Jesus, and sometimes expect that others should be extra nice this time of year. It got me thinking of how I sometimes expect certain things from certain people, or even expect certain good things from God.

About ten years ago, I had a Christmas that I won't ever forget. All I wanted that year was a papason chair from Pier One. I was 18 and still living at home, so I asked my mom for one. I told her, " Mom, this is all I want. I really could care less about anything else, just this one thing."
Well, Christmas morning came and I opened my presents along with everyone else and there was no sign of a papason chair. I was a little steamy inside. Why in the world would you give me all this other stuff and not the one thing I really asked for? Why doesn't my family listen to me? I am sure it was written all over my face and attitude. I was channeling some major grinchness. In my heart I expected this chair, it was what I needed, and my family didn't care! What in the name of Cindy lou Who was going on, don't my parents listen? Just as I was really stewing in my thoughts, my dad shouts HO HO HO from the other room and walks in with none other than my chair. He also "sarcastically" said back all the thoughts that I thought previously. No one listens to me, I never get what I really want (insert whine here). You know what I did? I cried. Not because of the most beloved chair, but because I saw what my heart was truly like. I was selfish, and even though I didn't deserve the chair, and my parents probably wanted to burn the chair because of my behavior, they gave it to me anyway.
It was a truly humbling moment, and I would like to say that was the last time I ever acted out in such a way. I would like to say I never expected or felt entitled to anything again. But I do. Do you ever feel that just like the green chair, we feel that we expect certain things from God? God I have been asking you for this one thing and you don't give it to me what is up? God I didn't ask for this or that, I want this. I have been really good this year, I have been living the life, what gives God? And you know, most of the time we have needs just like that green chair. It is the only need we ask for, and we are blessed with so many other things, but we can't stop thinking about that green chair. We can't get our minds off of it. We are even thankful for the other things but we really can't get over that one thing that we don't have.
I know I tell my story a lot on here. But to me in the last two years almost three, a baby was my green chair. I asked and asked the Lord. I prayed and I cried. Just before I found out I was pregnant with Katelyn I had the same kind've reaction as I did ten Christmases ago. Well, it just isn't happening, we aren't going to have it happen. I am just going to learn to be content with the gifts I have already been given. And then in true fatherly fashion, God shows up in my moment of defeat, with Katelyn. I was truly humbled and overwhelmed, and in June speechless. Just this week as I was changing the sheets on our bed, I was reminded of the miracle that came. There is a small faded reminder on our bed of what happened that night, as much as my mother in law cleaned and scrubbed our bed to wash away the blood, you can see a faded circle remaining. I know the end of the story, but it still grips me. What if it had turned out differently? What if God didn't meet my expectations? Would he still be a God worth serving, believing in, trusting? Yes, he would be. You see, deep down I know in my soul that God has already given us the most greatest gift he could ever give us. A gift that we most definitely didn't deserve. We whined and cried, selfishly turned our noses at his provision, cried out names against him, told him he wasn't enough, and you know what he did? He decided to give us his most beloved treasure he had. He decided that no matter how far we went, or how selfish we were, he wanted us back. He wanted a way to be with us. So he sent his son to the earth, to live and walk among us, and ultimately to die in our place. You see, all my expectations and desires can and most likely will be stripped away and I still will have the greatest gift of all. In Christ alone I place my trust, he is my life my strength my song. I know that even though it seems that he's not listening, he is. He is just like my dad was that many Christmases ago. When the timing is right, he comes in showing mercy, kindness ,and love. Even when we deserve it the least. He blows all our expectations out of the water.
That to me is what Christmas is all about.
I love this video they played at church a few weeks ago! Enjoy.

truth

2010-12-03T23:13:00.000-08:00

This week as I was doing important things like facebook, I came across something that struck me more than I thought it would. I came across a link on someone's page that I used to go to middle school with. The link was defined the top ten things that define unquestioning Christians. It was pretty harsh in it's definitions but it made me wonder. I wonder if most agnostic/atheist believe that we as christians never struggle with God, or ask questions, or have a hard time with things that are in the Bible. I wonder if some Christians feel alone with their doubt and assume that they are the only ones. I wonder this because I struggle with it all the time. I struggle with a lot of things like creation, passages on killing entire nations, the trinity, the fall of man. I mean things don't come easy to me and I grew up in it. But, and it's a big but...even though I struggle, I know it is true. Personally I know that he is there. No one needed to tell me that I fall short or that the world is broken I can see that, I have experienced that. I will never be able to explain why God allowed certain things or destroyed the earth with a flood. I don't know why he does the things he does, but for me the alternative of living in a state of brokeness where there is no redemption, or mercy, or compassion. To live in a world with no purpose. To go through life without God would be horrible to me. Even though I can't explain the hard stuff, even though it kills me sometime because I can't and won't have the answers, God's grace is enough for me. I've experienced it, I've seen it, and even though I have days when it takes all I have to sit down and pray. Even when I feel like following him makes my life harder than it should be, even when I am exhausted and weary, deep down I know that it is worth it. So, no, I don't think she got it right in the article she posted, I am a Questioning Christian, and maybe I always will be. I love this Christmas song by Sara Groves. Sometimes things are hard to believe, but that doesn't mean they aren't true. For the angel said to Mary himself, with God nothing is impossible.

In your heart you
know it's true
though you hold no expectation
in the deepest part of you
there's an open hesitation

but it's true
kingdoms and crowns
a God who came down to find you
it's true
Angels on high
sing through the night alleluya

heard it told you
think it's odd
the whole thing fraught with complication
the play begins with
baby God
and all His blessed implications

but it's true
kingdoms and crowns
a God who came down to find you
it's true
Angels on high
sing through the night alleluia

alleluia, alleluia

Oh it's true
kingdoms and crowns
a God who came down to find you
it's true
Angels on high
sing through the night alleluia
-Sara Groves

Thankful....

2010-11-27T13:59:00.000-08:00

Thankful that I can put up five of these this year

When I love to be laughed at...

2010-11-16T09:39:00.000-08:00

Lessons learned from the ER...

2010-11-14T13:52:00.000-08:00

Oh...my sweet second born Lauren. She has inherited my looks and my coordination skills. She can fall off, bump, and crash into any and everything. Last night I had the extreme priveledge and honor visiting and getting to know the staff at the local emergency room here in Chula Vista. We had a nice dinner planned at a sweet new friend's house and the girls were having fun playing together. I can describe the next moments best in a song/poem: 5 little monkey's jumping on the bed, and one fell off and bumped her head, Mama called the doctor and the doctor said, she needs two staples in her head. Okay, maybe the song doesn't quite go like that, but for Lauren it did. I am so thankful for my friend Beth who kept me together. It is funny how when your daughter's head is dripping blood you forget how to dial a number on a telephone. Brian was at home with Katelyn, which was providential and Beth, after directing me to the hospital watched Hannalee for me.

Three hours in the Emergency Room, and two staples later I was a tired mom, but walked away with some lessons learned. Here are a few I picked up last night.

- The ER is like life in that, everyone has a problem. Some big and some are small, but everyone has something going on that needs urgent help. We also have the tendency in our own selfish state to sometimes think that our problem is bigger than our neighbors, so that we want to see the doctor now, we are more important than so and so. I learned this about myself last night. When we finally got to a room, it was really a big room with a lot of partitions. This made it very easy to hear interactions with the doctor and his patients. In the partition next to ours was a couple and their 3 year old son. I was wondering what was wrong with the boy. Did he have a gash in his head too? So, when the doctor came in to check on the boy and the parents said he was complaining that his ear hurt I nearly fell off the chair. The reaction in my mind wasn't very nice. I was sitting here with a girl whose head was oozing blood, and you came in with an earache? My daughter needs the doctor to staple her head back together and you could have gone to the store and picked up some tylenol for crying out loud.

Then today, as I had a good nights sleep, I realized that my reaction to that couple wasn't the right one. In fact, I realized that the world is a lot like the ER and only one doctor is on call. God is in charge of this huge ER of a world where everyone needs urgent care. We all have to wait on him to be "fixed" and sometimes we don't always have the patience to wait. God patiently listens to all of his patient's problems, even the small ones. He doesn't get irritated with us when we ask for help with the small stuff, when parts of Africa are starving. He doesn't get irritated when one of his children come to him with a burden of pride, while another comes dealing with losing a loved one. Fact is we are the ones who are impatient with the small problems of others, when we feel our issues are more pressing. Just like I did with last night's couple. I felt my need needed to be met more than others. I learned this little flaw about myself two and half years ago when I lost Eli. I used to hate prayer request time in Sunday school because of my pride. I would listen to so and so say something about prayer to get over this cold, and I would be thinking, Really? Your nose is stuffy but I just lost a child. Be thankful. (I am not proud of those moments) After much counsel from wise friends and a great GOD, I am humbled, by the fact that God notices even a sparrow falling to the ground. He cares about our stuffy noses just as he cares for the broken hearted. It is only Him that knows the needs of his children, and that he takes the time to help us out in his way. I am humbled also to reexamine where my heart is when it comes to serving others. Am I quick to lose patience when someone struggles, or do I bear with them and serve them because to them, their battle is huge.

I am glad that God takes the time to help all those who come to him with their needs. Big or small, he cares and loves for each request, and just like the ER, all those who come in with an urgent need to be healed from life's wounds, the great Physician sees and fixes in his own time.

Challenged

2010-11-10T10:36:00.000-08:00

date night

2010-11-06T23:38:00.000-07:00

HALLELUJAH, we found a babysitter and finally got to spend some time alone together. Brian and I went to a nice dinner and then went to the Cheesecake Factory for dessert. I have been watching what I eat for the last month or so, so it was a nice break. How do you choose between 40 cheesecakes? I went with the Reeses Peanut butter one because it looked sooo good. And it was. It was a nice evening out, I am very thankful for Brian and that I got to spend tonight with him. Love you Brian!

yummy, I am sooo happy to be eating this!

Birthdays and Halloween

2010-11-01T06:49:00.001-07:00

I can't believe my baby is turning six tomorrow. We thought Brian wasn't going to be around next week so we had her birthday party on Saturday. It was a lot of fun. A few of her school friends came and we had a terrific time bouncing away at a local bounce house place. It was a great place to have a party because everything is private including your jumping room! And they clean up after you! That was my favorite part. It was a little different because it was the first year we weren't near family or close friends who really knew Hannalee. I missed that a lot. But the important thing was Hannalee had a blast, and I didn't screw up the cake too much. I hope you had a great Halloween. The girls chose their costumes this year. I don't have a clue why they chose cheerleaders, but they wanted to be them so bad. My friend Julie passed down the bumblebee outfit for Katelyn to wear. I don't know if Katelyn was digging it but she sure looked cute. I hope you have a great week! Happy November!!

Thoughts on Jer 29, Are you Serious?

2010-10-28T12:34:00.000-07:00

Change. Not everyone likes change. Especially when it comes with a price. Sometimes that price is losing everything and starting over. Sometimes it is a death of a loved one, miscarriage, someone having cancer, losing a job, losing friends, moving across the country. Sometimes we feel like nothing is changing, that we are doing the same thing over and over. Or that there is something bigger out there that we should be doing. Especially if we don't like what we are doing now. But as I read Jer 29 it really just clicked with me. If God has you somewhere, Don't waste it. He has you there for a reason, and he wants you to do something about it. He wants you to settle down there and pray about it. Even if you hate where you are, or you don't like the change. Even if what you are doing isn't what the world deems excellent. Pray. He also has a plan, he won't ever leave you somewhere without a plan.But it is God's plan, not the plan of the world, not the self-help books, not the get rich quick schemes, not materialism... In fact God's plan is probably going to be hard. It usually is and when I read the inspirational verse Jer 29:11 it helps to know what came before it. God had sent his people into exile. Into Babylon, a culture shock. Babylon with all it's beauty and worldliness. They were sent out of there comfortable homes into a land that did not know God, or care about him or his laws. And this is what God said to do:

⁴This is the Message from God-of-the-Angel-Armies, Israel's God, to all the exiles I've taken from Jerusalem to Babylon:

⁵"Build houses and make yourselves at home. "Put in gardens and eat what grows in that country. ⁶"Marry and have children. Encourage your children to marry and have children so that you'll thrive in that country and not waste away. ⁷"Make yourselves at home there and work for the country's welfare. "Pray for Babylon's well-being. If things go well for Babylon, things will go well for you." ^8-9Yes. Believe it or not, this is the Message from God-of-the-Angel-Armies, Israel's God: "Don't let all those so-called preachers and know-it-alls who are all over the place there take you in with their lies. Don't pay any attention to the fantasies they keep coming up with to please you. They're a bunch of liars preaching lies—and claiming I sent them! I never sent them, believe me." God's Decree! ^10-11This is God's Word on the subject: "As soon as Babylon's seventy years are up and not a day before, I'll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. ¹²"When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen. ^13-14"When you come looking for me, you'll find me. "Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed." God's Decree.

He wants you to make yourself at home. He wants you to dwell in the change and stay there. Build your life there, but pray for the circumstance. God isn't leaving you somewhere never to show up again. In this case it was 70 years, in other cases, it might be a minute to a year, or until we see him face to face. And that might seem unfair or harsh. But with the israelites, God warned and pleaded with them over and over again that this captivity would happen if they didn't turn back to him. I am not saying that all change is a result of our sin, but what I know is that God has planned all the changes. The fact that God has a plan also means that he won't abandon us, when we call on him, he will listen. But here is what convicted me the most this afternoon:
God said, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed.

Am I serious today about finding God, or do I dwell on the circumstances that bind me? Do I want God to show up? Do I want it more than anything else? He says I won't be disappointed. So what am I waiting for? I want to get serious, Do you want to get serious with me?

Creation Calls

2010-10-24T09:12:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I can't see past my front door when I have doubts. Sometimes circumstances bind my thoughts. But when I look at the beauty of creation I have no doubt that God is good and his mercy is new every morning.

Finding it Hard...

2010-10-08T13:39:00.000-07:00

To blog, that is. I seem to be in some sort of writers block. I have much to say but seem unable to pen it all down. Maybe facebook has affected my brain and the only way I seem to communicate these days is by status updates. I am good with that, telling you what I am doing at the moment. Not going deep. But this blog has always been about me going deeper. Telling you about where God has our family. What I am learning. This may sound strange, but it is almost easier to write about God and life in the midst of a trial than it is in the business and blessings of life. Because right now, things are really good. Praise God. Speaking of that, I need to do that more. I have been reflecting on the past month and at small group last week, I admitted how much easier it is to cling to God when everything is stripped away because it is only then you really truly realize you are not in control. I don't forget what has happened in the last two years of my life, it has made me who I am today, yet I am not living those circumstances any more. I am living soccer mom circumstances. Mom who has busy kids, and mom who is going to be a real "military wife" soon, mom who is a member of PTA, mom whose daily prayers haven't gone deeper than an inch.

I am confessing that I am an Israelite that has just gotten out of Egypt and is forgetting where God is. How horrible is that? But I haven't forgotten, really, I am struggling everyday to keep him where he belongs. At number one.
The other day I was running around the beach with Hannalee, something I hadn't been able to do for almost a year because of being pregnant and recovering. She went to Brian last week and said, " Daddy, did you know that mommy ran with me at the beach? God healed her daddy, Praise God for healing mommy!"
Our kids see. They see everything, they hear everything... Just when you think you are shielding them from the pain of the world, they witness it, and it witnessing it they see how you deal with pain, heartache, and sorrow. And they can see how you overcome it. I am not writing these things as boasts on my kids, I am writing it because it confirms the fact that God is working. Just because I am not in a trial right now, God is still working. Praise God, lest I forget what he delivered me out of. Praise him for everything.

Praise God. Praise God for planting seeds in her heart, praise God for delivering us, praise God that a child can have wisdom. Praise God in the rain and in the sunshine. Thank him for what you have daily. Do not be shocked at his mercy and compassion.

Since going to church here for a month and attending small group, there have been 3 miscarriages. I have been able to talk to all these women. We have been able to encourage each other. Who knows, maybe this is my ministry. This is the reason for things that happen, to be a comfort to those who need comforted.Blessed are they that mourn, for they will find comfort. Comfort from God's people who have been there, and came out on the other side. I praise God, like Hannalee put it, for healing me. And now I am challenged to not be one who doesn't come back to Jesus and throw myself down at his feet and say thank you thank you thank you God, for healing my heart along with my body.

sister love

2010-09-27T11:29:00.000-07:00

Charlotte

2010-09-17T10:10:00.000-07:00

Things have been high paced around here. I still have boxes to unpack and our master bedroom looks like a laundromat exploded. I keep waiting for things to slow down but I don't think they will.
Hannalee and Lauren continue to love school. Katelyn probably thinks the car is her second home. I now know why people love the bus. Hannalee loves school so much that I decided just to let her stay an hour longer yesterday. Ok ok I might have forgotten that she got out of school early and might have been called by the secretary reminding me that I forgot my daughter at school. Man, I felt like such a loser. But, Hannalee thought it was funny and said that it was fine. At least there were other kids in the office as well. I wasn't the only one. Sometimes I wish I had more time in the day or sleep, either one would be nice.

Normally I hate spiders,(completely changing topic I know). But yesterday this completely amazed me. Isn't God completely awesome in his design? Anyhoo, enjoy your weekend!!!

Smiley

2010-09-10T11:02:00.001-07:00

School days

2010-09-08T10:30:00.001-07:00

Hannalee and Lauren both started school this week. The cut off date in San Diego to start school is different than back east. You have to be the age for a certain grade by Dec 2. Since Hannalee would be six by December 2, she was technically able to go to into 1st grade. They tested her and said she was more than ready to be a 1st grader. So, I had to make a decision, and I decided to let her go ahead and be a 1st grader. She LOVED her first day of school, and was stoked that she didn't have to take a nap. I really like the school a lot and her teacher. The school encourages parents to walk their kids to their class and pick them up there as well, which I love being able to do. Lauren went through a little withdrawal. Every five minutes or so at home she would ask, where is Hannalee? When are we getting her? Well, today Lauren got to go to school too. She just walked right in a said see ya. Her school is really great as well, I am so glad it worked out. It is so quiet here, because Katelyn is napping, Rocky is sleeping and it is just me and the computer. Eerie. I almost don't like it. But my mom said I will get used to it and start enjoying it even. Lauren only goes 3 days a week so I get to have a little more time with her until she goes to kindergarten next year. Here are the fashionistas (they picked out there first day of school outfits themselves) on their first day of school.

I'll forgive Brian for the butt shot since it is a sweet moment

Pacific

2010-09-04T20:59:00.000-07:00

Mountain and beach all in one

My mom in heaven and the girls having a blast!

Baby Sand Dollar for the baby

Katelyn and I chilling at the beach

Today we experienced our first pacific coast experience. If you ever get a chance to visit here, come to Coronado, it is stunning. We sat and watched dolphins swimming and pelicans diving to catch their food. Amazing divers those birds are. The weather was in the mid 70's and the water was FRIGID, but the girls didn't seem to care. And, of course the whitest family in San Diego had to forget the sunscreen so we are all sporting a little red. This really is a beautiful city, and maybe once I get out underneath these pile of boxes I'll get to see the rest of it :-)

exactly me and Hannalee....

2010-08-21T14:45:00.001-07:00

I love It's almost Naptime blog, and a couple of days ago she wrote a post that I could have written myself if I could write like her. As I get closer to sending Hannalee to school I feel the same emotions as she feels.

http://itsalmostnaptime.blogspot.com/2010/08/last-week-was-hard-for-me-and-my-oldest.html

Tired

2010-08-19T15:12:00.000-07:00

Thats it... Just plain tired.
Brian left a couple of days ago to sunny California. We have about 12 more days on the east coast. That is weird to me. Katelyn has a serious case nocturnal disease. She also has a case of hold.me.all.the.time disease and if you put me down don't you dare put me on my back because I will be wide awake in ten seconds syndrome. So yeah, I am tired. But she is a blessing and this is just a normal season of life that you go through with a newborn. She is up to 9.7 pounds already and will be 8weeks on Sunday. So technically she has the body and brain of a 3 week old. So I am hoping in the next couple of weeks that her mornings will be mornings and her nights will be nights. The advice of sleep when the baby sleeps doesn't apply to people who have more than one kid. Hannalee and Lauren have been having a lot of fun here in Ga. They got to do homeschool with my sister and her two kids. They said they liked it a lot but Hannalee said she wanted to go to school in California. I loved what my sister did though. It made me really consider it until I tried to teach Lauren something about tracing and she got all mad and I got flustered and my patience went out the window and then Katelyn started crying. I really think I would have to have a huge revelation in the near future about homeschooling for me to get back on board with the idea. Or at least 7 hrs of sleep. I am however going to order Little Hearts for his Glory curriculam and as a family after dinner we are going to do "after schooling" I think it will be great. I really liked the curriculam my sister had. And I really like how they lay out the lessons. I want my children to have a strong foundation of who God is and to know that we as a family valued learning about God together.

Well, I am going to get off the computer now and watch Hannalee play the Wii. I think Hannalee and Lauren are going to go through Wii withdrawal in San Diego...

Friends...

2010-08-11T22:39:00.001-07:00

I have known Heather since I was 11. We grew up at church camp together. Her papa was my dad's pastor as a kid. We don't get to see each other much but when we do it is so much fun and we are able to pick up right where we left off. I love how God creates such sweet friendships. Tonight we got to spend some time together at the park, dinner, bookstore, and icecream. We jammed packed the evening but it was worth it, although at the end my camera broke. I love ya Heather!

Deep Thoughts at 3am

2010-08-08T23:48:00.000-07:00

Katelyn is having a hard time sleeping so I am wide awake and just processing some deep thoughts in my head. For instance:

- I seem to have some sort of genetic disorder that I have given my kids that makes them unable to stay asleep on their backs. Katelyn has lasted the longest on her back so far but as you can see from the title of this post she is giving me a hard time about it. Hannalee would absolutely NOT sleep on her back at all. She refused. So on her tummy she went, and so did Lauren after about a month of fighting the back sleeping. Katelyn gave me no troubles until the last two days... ughhh.

-We went to a fun waterpark today with my sister and her kids. Have you ever noticed at the beach or pool or waterpark, the slimmer people are the most modest? I wonder often where some people get their confidence and sometimes I wished I had it, but honestly in my opinion very few people can pull off a bikini. And I have seen it all today.

-Speaking of confidence. Lauren seems to have lots of it. She wanted to do the big slides today when we pulled up to the waterpark. I told her I thought she was to small. Well she wasn't. She was 42 inches and Lauren and I climbed the three flights of stairs to the giant waterslide where she got on her belly all by herself on the mat and away she went. The slide was like those fun slides at the fair where five people go down at once on potato sacks. It was so high though. She blew me away at her confidence that has grown so much from last year. Both girls are like fish in the water. I wish I had taken pictures today.But here is the slide Lauren and Hannalee went down.

-I wish that newborns had the ability to keep a paci in their mouths at night. If your kid loves to suck on one and gets really mad when it falls out, it can make sleeping at night in the same room uncomfortable and cause the mom to do random blog posts at three in the morning.

-Living out of a suitcase is hard. One thing is I can't seem to remember what I have and then end up throwing everything on the floor looking for the one thing I didn't pack. Plus everything is wrinkled. I detest the iron. It will be a while though until everything is normal again so I better get used to it.

-It is now 3:12 am.I think I am winning on the back to sleep contest with Katelyn, she seems to be giving up this round.

-Katelyn is eight pounds now. That is almost three pounds in 5 weeks. You go girl

-Lauren and Hannalee are having lots of fun here.
I am too.

-You never appreciate sleep until you can't do it.

-It is now 3:15 am and I think I am losing the battle now. I am trying to stay strong but she is looking at me with those big blue eyes. Babies have some sort of cute jedi mind trick that make it impossible not to pick them up when they are looking at you. Ok enough mind dumping, the cute jedi is screaming now. Enjoy your sleep everyone I hope to be joining you soon.

Finley visit 2010

2010-08-05T05:37:00.000-07:00

We have been so blessed to be able to visit the Finley's every year since they moved to Clemson four years ago. With my parents living in Ga it has been an easy decision to drop by and see them on the way down. We knew it would probably be awhile since we would have this opportunity again so we jumped at the chance to fellowship with them before we made the big move.

Their sweet family was our first true friendship we made in Virginia. She taught me so much about chilling out when I first had Hannalee. I probably wouldn't have made it without you Cayce!
I am so tickled to see our families grow and am thankful that God put our families together in Virginia and even more so that God matured our friendship enough that it would last through geographical distance. We love you Jason and Cayce and your sweet sweet children including the little Finley that's baking right now!

Glued to the leapster

Everyone except Jason, maybe we can photoshop him in!

Sweet Reese and Katelyn

Will and Hannalee

303

2010-08-03T03:15:00.000-07:00

Six years ago,
A house became a home
Six years ago, family became friends
and friends became family
I became a mother
I learned about the giving of God
I found out about the taking away
I found the comfort of Christ
Through the hands of the church
Six years ago, it seems like six seconds ago
And time never slows down

Goodbyes are for the Birds, and why I am glad I go to Target

2010-07-28T05:47:00.000-07:00

So, I can't believe the end is drawing near. I think I am in major denial. Yesterday I went shopping with two of the greatest people and laughed my rear off and had some great conversations about skinny jeans and "jeggings". I realized though that I will be leaving these sweet ones behind and moving to an unknown land with no family or friends around. I know I will make new ones, but when you have such good deep friendships already sometimes you don't want to start over and make new ones. Sometimes I wish I could take everyone with me in my suitcase. But God knows what he is doing, and I will trust that there are many blooming friendships on the horizon and that my old relationships will just refine and get better with time. I never thought I would make such deep lasting relationships. I am thankful to God for that.

In other news,I am glad that God placed a disdain for Walmart in my heart and that I only go there when it is necessary, but yesterday something really tragic happened in the one Walmarts around here where you don't think it would happen. Yesterday a man stabbed his ex girlfriend and held her hostage in the Yorktown Walmart and the whole place had to be evacuated. We know of one of our friends who was there and had to be evacuated. I am thankful she is okay. The lady is in critical condition and the man is in custody of the police. What a horrible scary situation. Please pray for this lady and pray for the man in custody. We can always pray for healing and restoration. It makes me realize you can't control any situation. You can avoid the unsafe areas and think you are safe in the nicer parts but sin is everywhere isn't it? It is in our hearts and isn't located in one geographic location or another. These revelations just drive me deeper in prayer that God would be in control of my comings and goings and that he would shepard me and it drives me to pray for my children and their future relationships that they would meet people who would cherish them and not be critical or violent.

Well, I still have 5 more days to soak up my dear friends and family here in Hampton Roads so I better get off the computer and on to facing the day. Praying that all is well with everyone!

The end is near...

2010-07-23T05:07:00.000-07:00

Of the hotel that is. Oh hotel life. It isn't for the faint of heart. It was ok for the first week, and I still think we don't need a lot of space, maybe just an extra closet or bedroom would be nice, but it had definitely brought us all close together. Now we are getting ready to spend our final 10 days with Brian's mom. Katelyn was not supposed to be here yet, so Brian was going to move in with Grandma and the girls, and I was going to be going to the hospital on Monday for my "planned" c-section, but instead Katelyn will be 1 month old on Sunday. Crazy! Brian's brother is coming into town today with his family so that will be fun to see them! I am getting a little anxious about everything, I want to spend time with as many people as possible, but I know that this move doesn't mean we won't see people again, in fact, we will be back when we visit family so that makes it easier. I didn't think I would get emotional about leaving, but for me, emotions come out of nowhere sometimes. I didn't cry when the movers packed our stuff, but I bawled like a baby when we closed on our house and I knew the house wasn't ours anymore. So I am sure the waterworks are in here somewhere waiting to rain down. Hannalee said goodbye to her preschool teacher, who has been hosting gymnastics camps this summer, yesterday. This was our first real goodbye and it was sweet and sad at the same time. We love Ms. Strain. What a special lady.

In other news, my dearest friend Christie finally turned 27 like me yesterday. I am privileged to call her friend. She has been there through it all with us over the last four years. We sure have had an action packed month together. All I can say is that I hope I don't see another ambulance for a long time. Happy Birthday Christie! I am honored to know you!

Milestones

2010-07-16T13:40:00.000-07:00

So, it was just an ordinary day at the park. We were hanging out with our good friends Micah , Lydia, and Christie. Hannalee wanted her lunch, and the next thing I know Hannalee excitedly proclaims that her loosest tooth has fallen out! We assessed the situation and preserved the tooth. Hannalee and I had never had a discussion about the tooth fairy, but she informed me that the tooth fairy came and took her tooth and turned it into dream dust, and that the dream dust would give her the dream she asked for that night. So that night at the hotel, Hannalee wrote this:
Well, the tooth fairy made it to the hotel that night and gave Hannalee a dollar to go the dollar store and pick out a treat that she wanted. We ended up with this:

And not to leave Katelyn out of the photo shoot here she is at almost 3 weeks:

Random post because I am tired

2010-07-12T05:38:00.000-07:00

I forgot what it was like to have a newborn. I mean I didn't totally forget, but maybe mentally blocked out the part where you have to wake up in the middle of the night a couple of times to change and feed your baby, and the fact that all of my girls are noisy sleepers. Normally I would have moved them to their room so I could rest, but we are living in tight quarters forcing us and Katelyn to share real estate. The girls are in a pull out sofa and so far, everything is working out great, proving to me that people don't need that much space they just need a little coffee, God, and patience :-).

Speaking of coffee, I had also forgotten about my love for these beans while pregnant. I just didn't drink the stuff when I was pregnant, unless someone made decaf. But, coffee has become my friend again, along with caramel macchiato creamer, we make it through the day.

I am also loving the smell of Katelyn especially after the bath. Babies in general just have that smell that make you feel all warm and cozy, well at least with a clean diaper on anyway.

I am missing not being able to be in Georgia right now. We usually are able to make it for my niece's birthday and Music Workshop, but priorities must be placed. We will see everyone in August though. I am excited to see everyone!

Things may seem crazy right now, but I am still grateful for what we have been given.
We may not have a house right now, but we have a room to sleep in and eat in.
We may be living out of suitcases but we have clean clothes.
We may be living tight, but we have housekeeping :-)
We may not always get what we want, but we get what we need.
And before we know it, we will be on the other side of the country in a new home making new memories. This leaves me a little sad, I don't want to have to leave my family and friends behind but I know that real friendships never end.

Okay, before I start singing the girl scout song about friends, I will retire this post and get cracking at the day, after another cup of joe......

Homecoming

2010-07-09T03:59:00.001-07:00

We got to bring this little miracle home on Wednesday. She is super laid back most of the time. Eat Poop and Sleep is her motto right now. Lauren and surprisingly Hannalee have been IN LOVE with her. Lauren wants to do everything for Baby Katelyn all the time.

She has been doing great at home, and apart from being a little on the tiny side, is your typical two weeker. We spent the night at our house last night for one last time before the movers come today. So now I can say I have brought all my children home to the same house. Although, Katelyn will not remember it, it will be special later on.

I haven't had time to prepare to say goodbye to our house, everything has been happening rather quickly around here, yesterday we had roofers, packers, and a handyman all over here at the same time! But, last night it did feel good to sleep in our own beds, the packers even left the girls make shift canopies on their beds for one last night. Well, I better get moving, the girls will be up soon, and we have gymnastics camp to head out to.

Praising God for this beautiful homecoming of sorts and remembering it is him who I have my forever home in.

Lessons I have learned....

2010-07-03T18:55:00.000-07:00

Many are the plans in a man's heart,
but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.
Proverbs 19:21

This verse has become so true to me in the past 2 years. We have dreams from when we are little. Plans that we strive for. It is the very reason we go to school, or get married or have kids. We have an idea of how life is supposed to be. We can place our hopes on these plans and when they fall through we can become devastated.

I was devastated 2 years ago when Eli passed away, and I was crushed when we miscarried yet another baby last year. My faith became rocky and weak. I sought the Lord many times, and became aware of my own short comings. I think I never really thought about the above verse. I had many plans in my heart, good plans, but it is the Lord's purpose that will prevail.

I did not plan on Katelyn. But once I passed 2o weeks with her, I started to plan a little. I bought her an outfit, I got excited with the girls about a baby sister. I enjoyed feeling her kick and squirm. I even agreed to let my friend throw me a baby shower. But, in all honesty I had my doubts. The biggest fear I had was losing her. But even more than that I had many conversations with God that went like this: I don't know if I can trust you with this. What if something happened to her God, would I be able to love you serve you trust you? I don't think my walk could survive another tragedy like Eli.

But then quickly God was opening door after door for us. We sold our house in three weeks, we had so much love from our church family and we got so much work done on the house. It was awesome. Then we found a great house in San Diego. Everything was going so smoothly and I was so grateful. I felt confident about Katelyn. God was giving me a peace about it all. July 26th at 12 pm I was going to have a baby girl. It was all planned I only had four more weeks to go. Everything was going according to schedule.

Then, early in the morning last Sunday, everything went terribly wrong. I woke up to a steady trickle down my leg. I woke up Brian thinking my water was breaking. I walked to the bathroom and when I looked at my hand I knew it was bad. It wasn't water but blood. The next thing I knew my mom and Brian had me on the couch and the phone calls started. The one conversation I did hear was, Call Ryan and tell him to pray. I can remember thinking oh no, this isn't good, but that was the extent of my stress. All I can tell you was it felt like a huge bubble of peace was surrounding me. The ride in the ambulance was even strangely peaceful. Psalm 23 was going over and over in my head. God is my shepard, I don't need anything. Even though I am walking through the valley of the shadow of death right this very moment, I don't need to fear anything because the Lord is with me.

Nobody looked like they had hope for us when we got to the hospital. The EMT asked me if I had felt her move. I said no, and he looked very melancholy. The only chipper person was the labor and delivery nurse. She whipped out the fetal moniter found Katelyn right away and we heard a glorious sound of a strong heart beat. That is when it seemed like I was brought back to reality. I started hearing clearly words like, your water did break, you need to have a c-section right now, are you ready, you might lose your uterus if that is where the bleeding is, you might need a transfusion...

Within hours I went from not knowing if Katelyn was alive to hearing her cry. Can I tell you how surreal it all was? This whole week has been unreal. I am just grasping the idea that my plan of having her in July is no longer reality. She is really here, now. It is so mind boggling.

But as I processed things this week I realized that God had answered two of my biggest prayers over the two years. One, he placed a beautiful living baby into my arms, and two he put me in an extreme situation in which I could have reacted in two ways. I could have cursed God for doing this to me, and believed Katelyn to be gone which I thought I would do, but God proved to be greater than me and my doubts, it the situation that he placed me in I clung to him for strength, I didn't run from him but to him. I knew deep in my heart that he was my shepard. I knew that even walking into a valley of possibly real death that he was with me.

I am so thankful for this revelation. I am so in awe of who he is and how he loves me. Yes, he could have given me a scare free pregnancy, he could have made everything smooth and safe, but then I think I would still be wavering in my faith. I thank him everyday for the blessing of Katelyn, and yet I thank him for Eli too. There are many blessings that I am thankful for, but I am also grateful for all the broken plans too. For the broken plans are what teach me about God's purpose. I think about the story of Joseph a lot. The years of absolute turmoil and torture that he went through, and yet at the very end when he was most blessed with honor he was able to realize and tell his brothers what they meant for evil, God used for good.

Bad things happen. We live in a fallen world. But God can and will use it for good.
I have struggled and wavered. Feared and praised. He never leaves my side.
I am very humbled with Katelyn's arrival. God knew she was going to be part of our lives two years ago. He had a plan, he had a purpose, and it always prevails.

A little Surprise

2010-07-01T19:09:00.000-07:00

Katelyn must have really wanted to see all her cool stuff she got at the baby shower because she decided to come into the world two days later. It was a whirlwind and when I have more time I will share the whole story with you. It was a little intense and scary but with a beautiful ending.

Right now Katelyn is still in the NICU. She is breathing 100% on her own and is iv free and jaundice free. The only issue she seems to have is wanting to take a bottle. The doctor says once she can do that she is free to go home. Brian and I went to see her tonight for her feeding. It is the only time we can hold her. She ate about 12 ml from the bottle which is almost half of what it was which is a great sign that she is close to being ready. Earlier that day she didn't want it at all, so we are very encouraged! She is more alert each day and is precious. I hate leaving her at the hospital but I know it is the best place for her to be.

Like I said, I am getting ready to mentally process what has happened to us in the last few days, and I have been overwhelmed by what God has done in our family in the last 2 years leading up to this. So much to be thankful for, my heart is overwhelmed. So much of his providence and care and peace have been shown to me that I can't explain. God is so good.

Katelyn wanted to be the early bird I guess, She was 5 weeks early born on June 27 2010 5 lbs 11 oz, and 17 3/4 inches long. She has already stolen our hearts. We can't wait to bring her home!

Other Happenings

2010-06-22T03:59:00.001-07:00

We were all prepared here in Hampton to send the girls to a great private school. It was a classical school and it was christian based. We prayed over it and thought it would be a great fit. However, my plans aren't God's. When we got orders to San Diego, I knew the timing wasn't perfect for finding a school. Hannalee would start school 2 weeks after we got there. I would have a newborn and a four year old. I love the idea of homeschooling, but I don't have a peace about it for our family and honestly I am not prepared to handle that right now with us moving and having a baby. I researched private schools out there. I even found some Classical schools. But everything seemed wrong. I didn't feel good about picking a school off the internet. Then I gave in to the idea that Hannalee would probably be going to public school for kindergarten. The idea honestly scared me a little. It seems every Christian parent has an opinion on public school, whether good or bad. I have been friends of families that do public school, private school, and homeschool, and I have come to the conclusion that we as parents are called to raise up our children in the way that they should go. I found this book the other day and started reading it. I have to say, I really like it so far. I think sometimes we are so afraid of the world that we forget that the God who is inside of us is greater than he that is in the world. I think we believe the lie that we don't have a tremendous impact on our kids lives after the age of 5. I am feeling confident of our decision a little more each day to send her to school, and I am feeling confident because I will always continue to be her mom and instill in her what God says. I was a product of public/private/public school. God was with me through the good and bad. And I can't tell you honestly that christian school was pure and holy. I heard a lot more about God there than I did in public, but the people were the same. Sinners are everywhere. And at home I am the biggest sinner I know. I am going to trust in God with this one and hope and pray that my daughters can be salt and light where they are. Anyhoo, on a lighter note:
Isn't this a beautimos picture? GOD IS SO GOOD. I can not tell you how unbelievably grateful I am for his timing on this one. Especially when there are 2 houses directly across the street from us for sale, as well as 4 others in our neighborhood alone! I am very aware of the season God has us in right now, and I am thankful beyond words.

And not to leave Hannalee out of the dance pictures, here are a few pictures of our little tapper. She danced to Working at the Car Wash. It was adorable. We are proud of them for sticking with dance this year. Although I think this will be their last year of it. They have expressed interest in sports, which I am more than happy to oblige. I don't know much about dance, but I know a little about sports. Plus, I will be more than happy not to put anymore makeup on the girls or put their hair up in buns. Not my thing, just not my thing. Have a great week!

Fun Family Weekend

2010-06-19T05:23:00.001-07:00

Lauren had her first dance recital last night. She was one cute clown! We are so proud of her. Hannalee's recital is tonight, but she had a great time watching her sister and all the other dancers dance last night. She even made this for Lauren.

Before the recital yesterday, Brian and I treated the girls to our first family movie at the movie theater. Hannalee went with Brian when Lauren was born and never made it past the first 20 minutes. We haven't really seen anything that the girls might be interested enough to sit through until we heard Toy Story 3 was coming out. I asked Brian if we could give it a shot, because they loved watching the first two on video. We went yesterday at 11 and it was so good.
The experience and the movie both made it worth the money. The girls sat the entire time and laughed and really had a blast. It was one of those family first moments that gave me warm fuzzies.

I have to recommend the movie if you are looking for something even the little ones can enjoy. It was extremely clean and full of great lessons. As an adult it is hard to sit some of the kid movies that are out there, but I think this one is a winner. Well, enough promotion of toy story, I have to get prepared for round 2 of recital tonight. Hannalee is super excited to dance tonight. I can't wait to see her tap her heart out.

Hope everyone has a great Father's Day Weekend! Happy Dad's day dad, We love you!

I do Believe

2010-06-14T10:03:00.001-07:00

A week ago I deleted a post about where I was in my walk. In hindsight I wish I never deleted it. I struggle a lot, and I guess because I do I get embarrassed about it sometimes. I want to be perfect at Christianity, I would say that handing over the majority of my former life has been pretty easy except that one little thing about me. I want to be perfect. And I have passed that on to my daughter, and we butt heads all the time. I want days like graduating preschool to be dream like, like it is in the movies where everything is scripted. You shouldn't get into big fights with both of your daughters on days like today. Sure the moments of good are there but then I overshadow everything with the bad because I feel like I failed somehow at achieving this dream like state. But the issue of my pride and my daughter's pride is sin. And I need to continually take that to God, because it is probably why I had such a fear of man and doubt in the first place. It is probably why I feel I have nothing to offer people who have it together. It is because I am prideful, whether it be low or high self esteem, whether it be shyness or overtness, it is my biggest downfall.

In the midst of all my feelings of late, God has been so gracious. I heard this song a couple of weeks ago and I said, that is me. That guy is me. What it comes down to is this for me: with everything in every season, whether I struggle or not, when I hear from God, I believe. When I doubt, I still believe, and when I am joyful, I believe. I really like this song, I hope you like it to.

Summer is approaching....

2010-06-11T12:18:00.000-07:00

Summer is approaching. We are getting ready for many changes around here. God has been so good to us. We have buyers for our house. We are awaiting the home inspection stuff to pass but for now I can rest in that we have a contract on our house! We have movers coming to pack our stuff in the middle of July, we have Katelyn to look forward to, and our girls are doing well. Today was their field day at school. We went to a local park for a picnic/playday. They had a great time, although I always leave field trips wondering if my kids would have done better if I hadn't of been there. Lauren got a little tired and didn't leave my side for the majority of the time at the park. After Monday's chapel service I will have a kindergartner on my hands. How do these things happen so fast? In any case we are so thankful to God in this season of our lives. He is our provider in our times of need. We are beyond grateful.

Fancy Nancy Photo Shoot

2010-06-03T16:03:00.000-07:00

Our girls love Fancy Nancy. They have all her books. They have the dresses. Tonight they treated us to some fancy moves.

On a house note, we had 3 showings this week! And two of them show some possibility! We are praying really hard this week and the weeks to come that there will be a family out there that needs this house. We found a house in San Diego for rent , the owner is another coastie and will give us priority if we want it. It opens up Aug. 9th. It would be perfect for us, we just need this to sell. No pressure. Haha. Enjoy the fanciness for the time being right? No worries.

Verse of the Year

2010-06-02T04:03:00.000-07:00

Many are the plans in a man's heart,
but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.
Proverbs 19:21

The other one that has been running through my brain is

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths.

I have been pretty down lately, well since Tuesday of last week. We planned, we painted, we cleaned, we spent some money, and then for a week no one came. Monday night I prayed and read and realized I didn't need to worry about anything. One reason as my husband said, you can't do anything about it so why focus on something you can't control, and also God tells us the same thing. It is always the little things that cause the greatest worry. I started to realize that if someone came to the house and saw a stray dog hair or a crayon on the table that it was going to have to be ok. I have kids, I have a dog, things happen when you live in a house. I was becoming crazy cleaning nazi lady who started to go a little batty when the kids wanted to play with play doh. Gasp, don't they know the mess that makes? If you know me at all, this is not typical behavior for me. I am very open to messes. Well, I sat down Monday afternoon and prayed and felt peace about it. I told Brian I felt like this was going to be a good week.

And just like that, we have one showing down from yesterday and one today. I am hoping that more people keep coming. I was just excited that people are out there looking, it gives me hope, and it also let me learn a lesson that God is in control, I am not, and once again this is all in his timing. My prayer will continue to be that it sells before July 15th, and there is nothing wrong with that, I am just not going to plan on it, I am going to trust and not lean on my own knowledge. I am going to leave the purpose to God. Have a great week!

There will now be supervision on all bathroom visits

2010-05-29T05:07:00.000-07:00

Brian and I had put the girls to bed around 7:30. We put in a movie, started to watch it, then Lauren said she had to go potty. Ok we said go to the bathroom and then go back to bed. I fell asleep on the couch while watching the movie, then woke up at 10 to go the bathroom myself. This is what I found.

This picture doesn't make it look that bad, but it isn't the most glamorous cut. We asked her why she did it. She said, I just wanted it short. Frustrating because we just got our hair cut like last week. She might get her wish after all and get a short do.

things I will miss Part 2

2010-05-21T12:56:00.000-07:00

Our house. I have many memories of this house. It is our first one, but also the girls first as well. I brought each of them home from the hospital here. I have rocked them here, watched them grow here, it will be bittersweet to say goodbye to the house they were babies in.

We have done a lot to our house in the six years we have been here. We have replaced kitchen floors, painted every room, painted kitchen cabinets...ect. I never expected houses to be such work though. They are!

Our realtor hired a stager for us. Sweet Mary told us we needed to do a few things. I as a result am exhausted, but I truely hope it blesses the next family who calls it their home.

Here is a few things we have been up to these past two weeks....

If you have ever tried to paint wood, it aint pretty. It is tedious. But, thanks to our small group from church, and especially John and Nicolette Stephens we have knocked out a lot of painting, fixing up, and other different projects. Brian's mom has been helping us clean, and I have been doing what I can. Those book shelves have become my enemy though. I hope I never see a paint brush again.

Here are the things we have gotten done: Painted porch floor, fixed porch door, new shudders, painted front door, cleaned out closets, moved furniture around, gotten rid of a couch, painted the ceilings, spackeled holes, painted holes, not gone crazy.

Again I love my church family! THEY ARE AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have been overwhelmed by their generosity and it isn't always easy for me to admit that I need help. Being pregnant has limited my ability to do things, and it hurts my pride sometimes not to be able to do it all. But God has been teaching me to slow down and accept the help. I will be so glad when this weekend is over and we are done with house projects and can just get back to to the simplicity of just cleaning and doing laundry... oh wait did I mention our washing machine died? Oh well, at least I know our neighbor good enough to use her washing machine.

I have forgotten what week I am pregnancy wise, I think 45, no just kidding, I believe this is week 30. Home stretch people! Thanks for your prayers!!!

Things I will miss Part 1

2010-05-17T03:53:00.000-07:00

I know it is only May and I have a little time left here in Va, but things are going to get pretty hectic in the next couple of months. In the peace of sitting in church yesterday I was struck emotionally about how much I really am going to miss. You see, last year if you had asked me if I was ready to move I would have excitedly said yes! I had been dealing with miscarriages and we had just moved to a different church and I wasn't tied down emotionally to anything except my dear sweet friends and family whom I will forever love and cherish. I wanted to run away really. I wanted something new to look at, and I didn't want anymore lessons in patience and waiting from God.

But that is exactly what God did, he had us stay another year. I have grown and been tested and began to really fall in love with where we are. It is sad to know that we will be leaving soon. I love our church. No church is perfect but just being with these people and sitting under true biblical teaching has really blessed me. But in particular, this past week when we needed help our church has been there for us. Whether it be praying for us, painting for us, fixing things for us, just making me laugh, eating dinner, whatever it be, they are there for us. And I am so going to miss this.

We are going through a sermon series on the church right now. It has been really interesting to find how seriously God takes his bride. But, we ended yesterday with this song, the last verse got me a little teary, but I thought it was a powerful song. It made me ask myself a lot of questions. Do I, do you, take the church seriously? Would you miss it if it were gone?

The Covenant Song (Reformedpraise.org)

Brought by God the Holy Spirit to trust Jesus Christ the Son,
We, the church of God the Father, as his people join as one.
Having been, our faith professing, baptized in the Triune name,
We, in joy and holy earnest, do this covenant now proclaim.

We will work with love and patience for the Spirit’s bond of peace.
As we pray, we will endeavor to see holiness increase.
We will warn, exhort, encourage, as occasion may require.
We will seek to love each other, ever quick to reconcile.

We will not forsake assembling, nor neglect to serve in prayer.
We will seek to teach the gospel to those God puts in our care.
We will bear each other’s burdens and in sorrow share our tears.
We will celebrate God’s blessings, sharing in each other’s cheer.

We will strive to walk in newness, free from worldly lust and sin,
As proclaimed in our immersion*, “Dead to sin and raised with Him!”
We, our presence, gifts and service, to this church do now commit.
We will keep her faith and practice; to her discipline submit.

Should the Lord be pleased to move us, we will seek to quickly find
An assembly of like doctrine with a covenant of like kind.
May the grace of the Lord Jesus with God’s love upon us fall;
May the Spirit’s sweet communion be forever with us all.

What is it like to own a minivan?

2010-05-13T04:07:00.000-07:00

When we first bought our minivan, I thought I would have a heart attack. I swore to never be as "uncool" as all that. I mean I was only 24 at the time. Who wants that? Anyway, I have grown to love the practicality of the van, and then I saw this and thought, this is our family. And I love it. Van Swagger. Hilarious

San Diego...

2010-05-05T10:29:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, it is hard to wait. Ok, it is always hard to wait. I feel like I have been waiting for two years now. Waiting on God's timing for expanding our family, waiting to move to Alaska, told we were staying here, waiting nine months to meet baby Katelyn, being told you are moving to San Diego unofficially. Waiting to make it official. Waiting for April 30th to come so you know when you are moving, seeing April 30th come and go with still nothing. Waiting as God holds you in his hand with all the information already, and just as you are having a nervous breakdown at lunch with your husband about finally being in the third trimester and not having a clue where you are going to live and if the detailer is really messing with us, and getting our house ready to sell, you realize you have control over nothing in life. Then on the way home some one on the radio has the nerve to be all soothing and read the verse Be still and know that I am God. Hah. God is always listening to us. And he is always good.

On the 40 minute trip home from Yorktown I resolved to God that I would try and finally do it his way and wait on him, by being still, by not being anxious. And do you know what was waiting for me when I got home? A phone call from my husband telling me we had gotten official orders. That we really are moving to San Diego, and it is all happening in August.

I was overcome with thankfulness and then the person I vowed to never be again wanted to come creeping back. But I am fighting her off. God promises that the waters will not overflow and I will not drown in this. I am positive that with God's sufficient grace that we can sell our house, have a baby July 26th, and be prepared to move cross country. I do not know how this all will play out. But I do know that God is faithful. I don't know the details and I shouldn't have to know the play by play, but would you pray that I wouldn't be consumed by the unknown in the next 10 weeks or so? Would you continue to pray for baby Katelyn, and the future owner of our house, and the future house waiting for us in San Diego? Thank you if you will, and is there anything I can pray for you? Maybe I am not the only one who needs to learn how to be still?

Grace through a fish hook...

2010-04-26T06:48:00.000-07:00

When I was in highschool, I had terrible taste in boys. I dated the absolute wrong ones and thought I was in love. I got mistreated badly but love is blind so they say. Ha. Anyways I didn't know it at the time because I turned my ears off to God but he had been hatching a plan for me since the beginning. When my sister got married and I met Brian, I didn't give him much thought other than he was a nice guy. But I was 17 and he was old, like 27. But God knew better. It wasn't the last time I would run into this guy. During my spring break of my senior year in highschool I visited my sister in Virginia beach and Brian was looking out for my sister while Mark, her husband, was underway. We all went to the movies and he graciously let the girls pick Bridget Jones Diary. It must have been painful for him to sit through that, but I started to learn that that was the kind of guy he was. He put others first, he was funny, and laid back. I was beginning to think guys like that didn't exist really, but he and I struck up a friendship that week. I was dating someone at the time, so still it was just a friendship. We emailed back and forth for a while before I headed off to college. Then communications faded as I started my freshman year at school and headed down a different path.

My freshman year went terribly for me. God let me fall hard and flat on my face. I became a little depressed about my situation and moved back home and began to rededicate my life to God one step at a time. I spent all of December in my room and in my bible, I got a job and started listening to God. One day while checking my email, I recieved this horrible picture of some guy's neck with a fish hook in it. It was from Brian. Wondering to myself why in the heck would he send me such a picture, I emailed him back saying what is this?

And, through a mass email of a fishing trip with his buddy, communication was opened again between Brian and me. We started emailing eachother regularly and then we moved to the phone. From the phone, came airplane rides and New York visits, meetings in Ga, then back to New York, until finally came a ring, a fast engagement and a marriage seven years ago.

Brian has been God's greatest gift in my life. Brian has taught me more about the love of Christ than he probably even knows. He has always stuck by me, he has stuck by my immaturity as a girl who left home for the first time to live a thousand miles away in New York with out her friends. He has stuck by me when we I complained how cold it was. He was there through my selfishness of going to school and working and not being home very much. He was right there when we got pregnant just nine months into our marriage and dealt with my anxiety over it all. There through the unknowns of parenting your first baby while pregnant with your second. There through two losses and never giving up on my spirit even when I was down. He has been there through thick and thin, for better or for worse. He has been there in sickness and in health. He has cherished me and loved me and shown to me that there is nothing I can't trust him with.

I am grateful to God who knew better for me than I knew for myself. I am glad that I never got what I wanted in High school and College. I am glad God saved me from going down an awful path and in his knowledge set aside Brian specifically for me. I am thankful for modern technology that allowed a fish hook to bring two people together til death parts us.

Seven years ago, I married my best friend. We have walked down a road together that has been filled with Joy, laughter and peace, tears and trials. I love Brian more today and more tomorrow. Life is not a fairy tale, but it is a story of grace and love. Happy Anniversary Brian. I thank God for you.

the valley in the minivan......

2010-04-22T04:53:00.000-07:00

Coming off the high of my birthday, it almost became a bummer to come back to the pollen infested air of Hampton. Back to the grind so to say. Back to allergies. Oh well this is where we live for now, I will rejoice and be glad in it :-) .

I had a great Tuesday night listening and talking with the ladies of our church as we went over the chapter the Blessings of Loving your children in the book, Feminine Appeal. It is refreshing to me to hear other people open up about the struggles and joy of mothering. I have in no way conquered the super mom status. And since about January of this year, I have become more and more comfortable with that. I am realizing that God has gifted me with certain talents that other moms don't have and that other moms will be great at the things I am not. I have also began to loosen my expectations of who I think my kids should be because I taught them better. Ha! It isn't about me. What? The hardest part of parenting is realizing that. When your kids are misbehaving and everyone is watching and glaring, are you sweating because your child's heart is in a bad place or because you think everyone thinks you are doing a stinky job at this parenting business. Maybe you don't sweat, but I do. I can work out hard at the gym and not sweat as much as when I am in public with a screaming kid/kids. Here are the things that I have learned though this far.

My daughters have high tempers. My daughters are very verbal. My daughters are loud. My daughters can be excellent Monday-Sat but the moment we walk into church or small group they become inhabited by other kids who were never disciplined a day in their life. Weird phenomenon. I used to be one of those judgmental people in Wal Mart or Target who thought to themselves, my goodness just spank that child. How unruly you have let them become. My child will never so and so ect... HA! God knew what he was doing when he gave me these two.

I always want to justify myself in front of people. If they only knew the Mon-Sat versions they wouldn't judge me. Or, if they only knew that they didn't have naps today or fill in the blank. But then God did a miraculous thing in my heart. He began to show me I needed to be concerned with what God thought of my children and what God thought of me and no one else. I needed to be concerned with how my children handle discipline and not how the other family does it. I needed to be consistent with my efforts of training my type of child and not expect results that aren't realistic.

Now I do believe in the rod, but I believe the rod can be many things. I just don't think spanking is the be all end all in discipline. Hannalee responded well to the occasional spanking. Lauren just starts screaming louder and longer. And when I mean longer I mean like a long time and when I say loud, well....

I am beginning to accept this in my children. That these are the battles I will face. Long drawn out matches. Patience testers. Arguments that involve a five year old who knows how to negotiate and find loop holes. A four year old who knows how to be cute when she is devious.

I am also beginning to listen to God and learning how to find my quiet spirit, because I like to yell when I am frustrated and yelling at a yelling four year old, well it doesn't work. I am learning to stay calm in the midst of a tantrum because I know the end result is much better when we can talk it out. I am learning to be more attentive to possible "dangerous" situations.
I still get frustrated and I still fail and I am not consistent 100% of the time. But I am doing what God has called me to do. I may not be facing different tribes in Africa, or persecution in China or other parts of the world. For right now my mission field is the mini van. And with all the labors of motherhood, there is pure joy in it as well. (See my birthday post) I have days where my kids wake up and come in and give me big hugs. I have days where we sit around the table and they ask Brian how his day was out of the blue. I have days where my daughter tries to convert the other one to Christianity. I have days that remind me that my kids are sinners but they are also beautiful creations of God. Created for Brian and I to raise.

On a sidenote, Brian and the girl's got me the new Francine Rivers novel, Her Mother's Hope. It is excellent and really started to challenge me on these thoughts I have been having on motherhood and God's sovereign role in it all. I highly recommend the book, although now I have to wait til the fall to get the second part of it. Boo.

In conclusion, I have found the joy in mothering is in laying my expectations down and listening to my true Father. I have found that you have to discipline and rear your child because that is your job and not because it guarentees you a perfectly saved, controlled, always respectful child.
A huge part of it is my own sanctification. God has told me how to build the foundation. He has told me what to do. He has given me the tools. Someone a long time ago likened this unto a boat. You can build the boat perfectly, you can make sure that each nail is in place, that it was made to float, you even make sure the sails are in perfect condition. But only God can provide the wind to make it go. And that leads me to prayer.

What's been happening...

2010-04-20T10:14:00.001-07:00

Well... I have been off facebook for a week now. I don't miss it much. The only thing I miss truly is being able to know what my parents and sister and friends that live far away from me are up to. For this reason, I will probably reinstate my facebook at the end of the month, maybe. Who knows. I have been able to do a little more quiet time without my status addiction... so who knows.

In other news I have become addicted to listening to Mark Driscoll sermons while I work out. I have really enjoyed his series on Luke, and the other day I listened to a sermon on trials from 1st Peter. It was called Trial: Your new life in Christ. I thought it would be a lesson for new believers but it was so for me, and anyone else. You can download for free on itunes. I think that it is cool that they don't charge.

I enjoy reading It's Almost Naptime from time to time. She is hilarious. But today she wrote this post. Wow. So true and worth the five minutes of your time.

My birthday was awesome. The girls and Brian really outdid themselves. Hannalee and Lauren love Fancy Nancy and their new favorite book has been Fancy Nancy's Tea Party. It is a cute book on how to throw a fancy tea party complete with how to make place mats and place cards, recipes for cookies and sandwiches, and even how to make centerpieces. Can I tell you that Hannalee and Lauren were so excited to show me what they had done would be an understatement. They made a lollipop bouquet where jelly beans were the dirt in the pot, and lollipops stuck down in the jelly beans like flowers for my centerpiece. Place mats in the shapes of butterflies. Place cards were dum dums stuck in a giant marshmellow on our plates. And besides the beautiful cake they made, they made ladybug cookies. Sugar cookies with red icing and chocolate chips on top to make them look like the bug. It was so neat to see their little servant hearts in action to make sure my day was special.

Katelyn is doing good. I am ready to meet her. But she must cook til July so I will patiently wait. We are still waiting with the rest of the ETC's in the coast guard on official orders, but we should definitely have them by the 30th. We are prepared still to move to San Diego.

Hannalee has a loose tooth. I don' think I was ready for this. But she is excited. Someone told her at school that the tooth fairy is going to come and she is ready for that tooth to come out. Yikes! I told her that it was a good thing we were going to the dentist next Friday!

Lauren is excited to turn four May 3rd. My little girls are growing up! I don't know what I am going to do with a baby!

Hope you are having a great week!

There is nothing better....

2010-04-18T06:32:00.001-07:00

than waking up to this on your birthday!

As my last post stated, here is the interesting Birthday Cake the girls made. It was delicious!

Happy Day to my Sis

2010-04-16T03:42:00.001-07:00

Me and my sister just a few years ago. Ha!
Today is my sister's 30th birthday. She is taking it very well and calling it her Happy Day
Hop on over to her blog waterswiggleworms.blogspot.com and wish her a good one.
But as for me, Happy Birthday Kathryn! I can't wait to see you later this month!

My birthday incidently is tomorrow, we are 3 years and 1 day apart. It has been fun over the years to spend birthdays together, and my family has been doing the same tradition for almost 15 years now. We go to the same Japenese steak house and all the April birthdays, get celebrated. I will miss it this year as they are going tonight, but I always get a loud phone call around 8 with a Japenese man with a drum singing Happy birthday to me. So that is always fun.
As for me, Brian surprised me and said he is taking the family to Nags Head for my birthday. Grandma and possibly papa are coming too for the children. I am actually really surprised that the girls kept this secret for so long. They are soo excited about my birthday, they even made the cake with Brian last night, which I have been told is interesting. Looking forward to being 27. It is looking like a good year.

An Artistic Expression

2010-04-13T13:02:00.000-07:00

I came into the kitchen one day to this surprise. "This is you Mommy!" they said with pride.
My kids are budding sculptors wouldn't you say? The similarities are astounding!

Perks of Pregnancy

2010-04-10T04:00:00.000-07:00

Ok, I think I had my first official pregnancy breakdown moment yesterday. You know when you hear these stories when you aren't pregnant you think yeah sure, aren't you overreacting, or she is crazy, I will never be like that. But lo an behold no matter how you try those pesky hormones take over your body and treat it like a circus. Here is the background:

We had such a great day on thursday. The girls were real troopers as we spent the entire day out and about. We only had one little meltdown at bedtime but even that was minor. It was glorious. Then Friday it rained and was a good 20 degrees cooler than the day before. We did a lot of spring cleaning, went to the gym, then came home. I could tell the girls weren't tired, so I let them have quiet time instead of naps. Well I have been dealing with some major allergies, and I think I was exhausted from the day before. I was not feeling well. So I suggested we get chinese for dinner. Brian graciously took the girls to go get it. I can still hear in the back of my mind saying, I want General Tso and an eggroll. But lo and behold when he got home, no egg roll. I literally thought I was going to cry, over an eggroll. At the same time I was going to cry over feeling the need to cry over a missing eggroll. Instead I did what any good wife would do and snapped at my poor husband. After calming down and realizing it wasn't his fault and that I am a crazy pregnant woman, I did apologize and he forgave me. Jeez, my kids didn't get the best of me that night either, they were in bed for good reason at 6:45. And I followed suit at around 8.

I love this little girl inside of me, and can't wait to meet her, but Lord help the hormonal lady that I have become.

I am not on Facebook....

2010-04-09T11:13:00.000-07:00

I have been wanting to do this for over six months now, and in my quiet time today it was loud and clear. It was time. There are many great things about facebook, and I enjoyed them, but it was taking up way too much of my time and focus. After listening to a very good sermon from Mark Driscoll, I finally felt peace about my decision. I still will blog and post pictures here but it was time to say goodbye to my cyber relationship with facebook and reconnect with real life. My kids will thank me. I will be thankful too.

what a fun day,,,

2010-04-08T12:58:00.000-07:00

More Hannaleeisms

2010-04-06T10:29:00.000-07:00

This morning we had a very quick but loud thunderstorm. Hannalee is very sensitive to sounds and she was very scared. At the breakfast we were talking about how rain was necessary. Hannalee was telling Lauren how it helped the flowers grow. Yes I said, and the grass and trees. God knows that sometimes it needs to rain. Even when we don't like it it is for good. Just then a huge lightning bolt hit and scared all three of us. Hannalee told me she was going to pray about it.

Hannalee: Father God, please help me not be afraid of the thunder and lightning. Please make it stop so I am not afraid. I know that it makes the flowers grow, but if it is possible, can you make the flowers grow quietly? In Jesus name, Amen
And you know what, God did not disappoint. In about an hour the sun was out and shining, and it was quiet again. I told Hannalee and Lauren, that even though this time was quick and other times it is long, it always stops raining.

Hoping this truth penetrates with me today. Such a simple illustration for our kids to see and understand, and although the rain in our adult life can seem harder and tougher, it is always for a good reason. It is always preparing us for something greater. It is wetting the soil of our hearts so that our hearts can grow stronger and that we can help others with what God has already taught us, he won't ever make it continually rain on us. Enjoy the blessing of the sunshine!